Why we need to ban, "He's just not that into you," or "she's just not that into you" from our vocabulary

"He's just not into you if he isn't calling you."

"He's just not into you if he's not asking you out."

"He's just not into you if he's not marrying you."

And so on...

It's a catch-all solution for all of the ambiguous dating situations in which a relationship is stalling, or not moving forward, or not seeming to work out as we'd like. Though it is a catchy phrase from a popular book, delivered under the guise of being helpful, it can actually be harmful by putting too much emphasis on "YOU." Read on to learn why using it is as a bad idea. It could be damaging to your friends AND you. Also read on for real reason it didn't work! Hint, it may have nothing to do with "being into you" or not.  

So your friend is dating a person you think "isn't that into him/her." You try to be kind, by telling them this. After all, you don't want your friend to waste time or have a broken heart at the hands of a disinterested person! So to spare their feelings, you try to be honest and spell out the truth: this person isn't that into you! 

Now it's true that if it's still very early on -- from a bar approach, first date, or within a few dates -- it really may be the case that the person may "not be that into your friend" -- which means they aren't attracted, not their type, or personalities doesn't mesh well. 

However, the problem is that we never know for sure why a situation doesn't move forward. Whether it's a bar approach, a few dates, or a whole relationship, we can only guess at someone else's true thoughts and feelings! And it's best not to concern ourselves with wondering, since you'll never know the full story.

So to stamp the situation with "they're not into you," is silly, because you don't really know the accurate facts of what's going on. It's also insulting to your friend, because it implies "they don't like you that much," which is simply a rejecting thing to say. Your friend will grasp onto this, and then wonder, "Well I wonder WHY she/he wasn't that into me?" 

This leads to seemingly helpful, but actually destructive, thoughts like, "Ya, she probably goes for taller guys," or, "He probably noticed my outfit wasn't that great," or "he/she thought I was too old/young, mature/immature" or a million other silly things, that may or may not apply. Often, these thoughts have nothing to do with anything. But now your friend has a deeply ingrained belief that he's "too short for love," or she's "not social enough to keep him interested." Or perhaps your eyelashes are too short, or you're not well read enough, or your body fat percentage is 7% when it should be 5%. Some people carry these faulty thoughts for years! Trust me, I hear them in my coaching practice all the time. 

I've heard all kinds of ridiculous things. One attractive guy had decided he was too tall to date, and a girl felt she looked too young to date. Another decided she was too smart. We arrive at these illogical conclusions due to this destructive thought process that begins with "they don't like you very much." and "Hmm. I wonder why? It must be because _____." If you think this way, stop it. And if you are leading your friends down this path, stop it. Both are very destructive. And illogical.

The solution is to stop saying out loud, "He/she is just not that into you." And to stop yourself from thinking to yourself, "I wonder why people are not that into me? It must be because I lack something in these areas:____." 

So knock it off!! Thank you. :) Now moving on. 

A much BETTER thing to say? :) Drum roll please...

"Doesn't sound like it's a match for whatever reason. I don't think it's you. You should move onto someone else."

This is much more realistic, supportive, and helpful because it removes the focus on YOU not being good enough. It simply says it's a no-go and let's focus on something that will make you happier. 

Try telling your friends this, and also tell it to yourself when your own relationships don't progress as planned. It's much more positive and helpful. And you won't be tempted to blame yourself or make up silly illogical conclusions based on absolutely nothing. But really? It wasn't my eyelash length? No, it really wasn't. 

What's even worse...

Now, there's something even WORSE than using this "he/she isn't into you," phrase early on in dating. Gasp. You know what it is? When supposedly helpful friends or family members say it to loved ones MUCH later in a relationship. Weeks, months, or even years into a relationship. This makes it even MORE destructive than the previous example, because the problems with "YOU are not good enough, because they aren't into you" are at a deeper level. 

What a horrible idea to put in someone's head, under the guise of being helpful. This catch-all solution is "they were just using you, but didn't like you, and were waiting for something better." Um, hello! Not good for anyone's self esteem. And it can be a way for people to sort of insult their friends, while looking "nice." 

It just doesn't hold up. It's insulting to the person you're telling it to, and it's not accurate. 

I just hate to hear people "summing up" relationship failures with this phrase. "He didn't call you after three months, because he was never into you to begin with." Or, "Ya your marriage didn't work because he/she wasn't that into you. That's why he/she cheated." Or, "He/she isn't having the relationship talk because they aren't that into you." Or "They were probably just using you, because they weren't that into you." And yes, it's even worse to say this about longer-term relationships. 

Why it's bad for self-esteem:

As discussed above, it's insulting to use the "he/she isn't into you" phrase because the focus is on "YOU are not good enough". The natural question that follows is "why are they not into ME?" And this leads us to question ourselves and dive into a laundry list of "why they would want someone better." This is just not helpful or constructive, it's damaging to self-esteem, and it's really not relevant to what's going on. If you want to improve yourself, do so! But if you're only motivated by someone's rejection of you, you're going to be trying to please them by changing yourself. Example, "I heard he loves good abs, and he didn't seem 'into me,' so I'm going to work out like a maniac!" Versus, "I've always wanted to get in shape because it would make me feel healthy and happy." Big difference. So focus on developing the aspects of yourself that are important to YOU. And forget about trying to guess what "they weren't that into" about you, so you can fix it. You can't fix it. You can only fix yourself. So work on that, and forget the rest. 

What's the real reason behind the "they are not into you" situations? (Please see below for some explanations*).

There are a million reasons for relationships and dating not working out! YOU alone are not the reason for something not working. As I said, that doesn't mean you shouldn't work on developing and improving yourself as much as possible! Of course you should. But to take all the blame for a relationship not working out -- to sum up the failings of an entire relationship with "I was just a person they weren't interested in," is just not accurate. 

So let's BAN "he/she is not that into you, and instead say, "it's not working out for some reason." Followed by, "It's not you. And you should want something that DOES work out great with someone else!" 

This is way more accurate and realistic. And you can use this "it's not working out" mentality anywhere from before the first date, to a few weeks of dating, to a relationship, on through marriage. 

Otherwise, if they were "not that into you," why would they continue to date you? Or be exclusive with you? Or marry you? 

It's normal in the beginning to not be sure about someone. But over the course of 3-6 dates, you should be sure whether you want to be exclusive. Being exclusive then allows you to get to know this person one-on-one, in depth, to see if you have potential for a much more serious relationship. You can test it out by spending more time together, letting each other into your lives by meeting friends, taking trips, etc. Then you can both decide if you want to continue to have a more serious relationship, or perhaps you discover serious incompatibilities, and you might decide not to get married. Totally fine.

It's normal if someone is perhaps taken with you at the start and then pulls back, or ends it. Totally normal! But if things continue over time, but you're still not sure where you stand -- or you are "technically" exclusive, but you feel they haven't fully let you into their life -- that's where we get into weird territory. The typical "they just aren't into you," land. 

Change your mentality from, "he/she just isn't that into me...and I wonder why!! OMG what can I change to make it better?" to, "It's not working out for some unknown reason. I don't know what the reason is, but I'd rather have something that works out, with someone else." 

Give this a spin! Both in your own dating/relationship mindset, and also in how you speak to your friends and loved ones! It's a much more supportive thing to say.

The REAL reason it isn't working, isn't about "being into you."

The truth is, I rarely see examples of people who "just aren't into someone" and continue to date them. My clients typically won't date someone more than 2-3 times if they really aren't finding them to be very attractive and interesting. Once it's going into the weeks and months, their reasons for ending it tend to be much more complex, and related to the below. Just a note: if any of the below applies, don't assume you can "fix it" easily, or if at all. Work with a therapist yourself to improve yourself, and your solution will naturally occur to you as you grow! To help maintain your dating mindset, confidence, and take all of the necessary actions you need to find the RIGHT person for you each week, work with me as your coach. www.yourdreamslifecoach.com. Or for executive/business coaching, visit: www.nycexecutivecoach.com. 

Just a few REAL explanations of why relationships/dating doesn't work out:

• Disorders -- The person is a sociopath, narcissist, borderline, codependent, etc. These are disorders which lack empathy. Without empathy, you can't have a healthy relationship, no matter what you do. Most of these will likely never change, and they are in the dating pool, so watch out! (See Wikipedia! It will change your life).
• Conflicting personalities -- Your personality temperaments are conflicting -- how you think and what you naturally value in life, they dislike and vice versa -- and one or both of you doesn't want to work to compromise. The Myers-Briggs (in my opinion) matches you with some of your least compatible types, so be careful here. I have an assessment I can give you. 
• Attachment styles -- Your attachment styles aren't compatible. (See Wikipedia again). There are four styles, and only one is healthy. If either of you has an unhealthy attachment style, it will spell drama and either a roller coaster on-again-off-again situation, or an ending. 
• Addictions -- One of both of you are addicted to something -- drugs, alcohol, anything. People often keep this hidden, even from close loved ones, so you may not know.
• Hanging onto the past -- One of both of you are still hung up on an ex. Perhaps even sleeping with them.  
• Fear of moving forward -- One or both of you are afraid of getting close to someone because of past bad experiences, and you need to heal your wounds before you can ever move forward -- this may cause inconsistent actions, or even dating other people to avoid getting attached. 
• World view mismatch -- A lack of match in your world views, background, political or religious views, ideas on having kids or not, etc.
• Bad relationship skills -- One or both of you isn't considerate, is selfish or manipulative, have a lifestyle that would be stressful for the other person to live with, or lacks relationship sills (such as empathy, compromise, and good listening skills). Or there may be a lack of expressing feelings or appreciation, and your partner feels taken for granted.
• Being clingy -- One or both of you can't be alone for the occasional afternoon or evening apart, and your partner feels suffocated. 
• Being controlling -- One or both of you has to control the other, and insist they not have their own life. 
• Not wanting to grow up -- One or both of you doesn't want to be an adult and do the work of having and working on a relationship, when being single seems like less work. It's scary to be a "real adult" and you may resent it, or feel relief by pretending to still be a kid. 
• Life changes -- One or both of you is moving, changing jobs, or going through some transition and doesn't think the relationship has enough of a shot to keep it going.
• Lack of chemical attraction -- You can both be conventionally attractive, but if your DNA isn't naturally a match, you may actually feel repelled by each other. 
• Depression -- One of both of you is not working on developing your career, health, etc., and your partner feels weighed down by your depression and lack of ambition. Emotions are contagious, and while depression is never someone's fault, it can destroy relationships if not treated. 
• Legal drugs -- Anti-anxiety or depression medication can affect a person's ability to feel emotions, feel physical desire for someone, and even to love. If the medication's side effects are too strong, it can destroy a relationship. Some medication can also cause someone to gain weight and simply feel unatractive.  
• Mama's Boys/Girls -- One or both of you has over-involved family members, which keeps a relationship from progressing out of feeling disloyal to family, so you keep relationships at a distance to reassure your family that "nothing has changed" and "they are number one." 
• Workaholics -- One or both of you works extreme hours, which means you don't have anything left energy-wise for a relationship. Lack of time together also will destroy your relationship. 

These are just a few of the real reasons relationships don't progress. Almost everyone has some of the above traits. A lot of what relationships are, is compatibility between disfunction. If you're too emotionally healthy for a guy with serious issues, he won't be drawn to you, for example. The goal is to make yourself as emotionally healthy (and happy!) as possible, as you will then naturally attract another healthy person. :D

This is by no means a complete list. Which just goes to show all of the MANY reasons a relationship can end, which have nothing to do with YOU. Many of the above overlap. For example, a workaholic may be depressed, with a personality disorder, and working a lot allows them to avoid dealing with problems. 

How to be less nervous on your next interview! 

No matter how much work experience you have, a shot at your dream job is likely to make your heart pound and your palms sweat. Try out these tips to reduce your anxiety and boost your confidence for that extra edge. 

1) Prepare. The more prepared you are, the less worry you will have. Work with a career coach or friend in advance and practice answering questions your interviewer is likely to ask. Have your responses loosely memorized, so you sound conversational, but also know this information well enough to avoid using words like "uh" or "um."

2) Research. The more you research the company, their mission, and what the position will be like, the better informed you will be. A lot of nervousness comes from a lack of information. Ask other people in your network if they've heard anything about this company as well.

3) Work on yourself. People don't become more confident in a vacuum. They do so by practicing skills and gaining a sense of accomplishment (from both successes and failures). Take action to improve your life, and you will build your confidence. If you don't feel you're a competitive applicant, work to improve that. Take classes, learn on your own, network, or go back to school. Do whatever you specifically need to do to improve your unique situation, and you will improve your confidence.

4) Self development. You can become a more attractive candidate by developing yourself. Employers value employees who can problem solve, who have good common sense and professionalism. A needy, unconfident employee, rather, will ask their boss to solve every problem -- which is a drain. When a problem comes up, can you ask yourself good questions like, "How can I resolve this?" or "How can I find out the missing information? Who can I ask in another department?" or do you turn to someone else to solve your problem for you? Working on your self development will increase your confidence and independence, so you learn to become a leader and problem solver. This will help you shine in an interview, as employers want to hire someone who can get the job done.

5) Ask yourself why you're afraid. It sounds so simple, but often, we focus on "trying to not be nervous," instead of addressing the reason we are nervous in the first place. Ask yourself what your nervous feeling is about. Do you feel unprepared? Are you reminded of a job you didn't get in the past, that you still feel bad about? Do you have trouble speaking slowly, and worry you'll mess up your answers? Are you afraid if you don't get this job, you can't pay the bills? Simply getting down to the root of why you are nervous, will help you embrace the problem at hand. Have empathy for yourself, and tell yourself that it's okay to be nervous. Address the real reason for your fears.

6) Avoid black-and-white-thinking. It's common, in stressful situations, to jump in the fallacy of black-and-white-thinking. We say things like, "If I don't get this job, I'll be out on the street!" Or, "This is my one and only chance to re-enter the workforce after my layoff." This isn't realistic, and it places too much pressure on us, resulting in anxiety. Instead, be realistic. Nothing is ever black and white. It's a great opportunity, but there will be other opportunities as well, if you keep working hard at your job search. All won't be lost if you miss out on this one job. Thinking this way will give you a more confident and relaxed demeanor.

7) Practice your entrance. I always have clients practice walking into the room, greeting the "employer" and shaking their hand with a smile. This moment creates the first impression, and it sets the tone for how the interview will progress. Practicing this with someone who can give you feedback is important, as you may not realize your handshake is too firm, or not firm enough, or perhaps your smile doesn't appear natural. Continuing to work, you'll find an entrance you're happy with, and then you'll be off to a great start!

8) Focus on making the interviewer comfortable. Many people who need to interview employees are not used to doing it, and they may feel uncomfortable asking you questions. Seeing the situation from this perspective, and focusing on helping them feel more comfortable, with help you dramatically. When I was in high school, I got the highest interview score out of all high schoolers in my state (this was in a business club), after a full day of panel interviews, because my goal was to make each interviewer feel comfortable, relaxed, and liked. I remember one woman was very stern looking and seemed unhappy, but I didn't let up on smiling at her, until she surprised herself (and me) by smiling back. I then realized that people who look the most intimidating are often the most in need of feeling accepted.

Put these tips together, and go get that dream job all! <3 -julie="" p="">

Your Morning Cup of Coffee -- and Creativity!

Is this how you feel without coffee? 

Monday morning? Did you load up on a big cup of coffee? 

Caffeine can definitely help you focus, but it can also be a big roadblock to certain types of thinking. It can even put your brain in the wrong state of mind to think creatively, as I'll explain below. There is a definite time and place for it, as I'll explain. 

CAFFEINE AND CREATIVITY 

Your brain is in various states (that are measurable) during the day and night. When you're asleep, your brain is in a Delta state. An Alpha state is how you feel when you're relaxed, creative, and thinking well (great for solving difficult problems). Beta is how you feel when you're late for the train and pushing through people on the street, or quickly processing (a huge stack) of boring paperwork at work. Theta is how you feel just before you fall asleep, or in a very deep meditation or hypnosis -- it's where your subconscious is accessible. 

When you drink a lot of caffeine, it pushes you into a Beta state. This means you are no longer in the calm, creative, clear-thinking Alpha state, where big problems are best creatively solved. However, in Beta, it's easier to add a list of numbers or do anything repetitive that doesn't require higher thinking. Single-minded thinking is where Beta is at. 

*Sometimes you might need to get into Beta, such as during tax time, or if you have a lot of paperwork to deal with. If so, a little caffeine can only help you complete this straightforward task.

*When you have a big-picture problem to solve, and need your brain in an Alpha state, or you need to tap into your creativity, lay off the caffeine (this is why not being addicted is SO important, because otherwise you'll experience withdrawal effects such as headaches). Do some deep breathing, meditation, listen to relaxing music, get in touch with the feeling of your body in your chair, and exercise to vent out the stress that prevents you from normally entering this state. If you must drink something, drink green tea, which can help you relax more than coffee can due to the L-Theanine it contains. 

*It can be easier to enter the Delta state of sound sleep when you are fully relaxed (and not hopped up on stimulants). Definitely avoid caffeine here. 

*To get into a Theta state -- useful for getting in touch with your subconscious -- work with a hypnotherapist who will read you relaxing stories and work on your breathing to help your brain enter this relaxed and barely-awake-state. You can also try deep breathing and allowing your mind to show you images (similar to day dreaming), among other techniques to access your subconscious. Tapping into your subconscious allows you to work on any blocks you may have preventing you from reaching a goal. You'll want to avoid caffeine for this one as well. 

ABOUT BRAIN WAVE STATES

1 BETA -- Alert, tense, afraid, agitated. In your brain, this is measured as 13-60 pulses per second on the Hertz scale. 

2 ALPHA -- Relaxation in your mental and physical state. Aware of what's happening and conscious. In your brain, this is measured as 7-13 pulses per second on the Hertz scale.  

3 THETA -- Semi-conscious and able to access your subconscious mind. In your brain, this is measured as 4-7 pulses per second on the Hertz scale. 

4 DELTA -- Deep sleep. Not conscious. In your brain, this is measured as .1 and 4 pulses per second on the Hertz scale. 

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO REDUCE THE COFFEE YOU DRINK? 

Personally, I've noticed I feel more freedom since stopping all caffeine. I have an advantage of not needing it to function, so in the rare situation caffeine isn't available, I won't turn into a groggy edgy monster with a pounding headache, and I can still function just fine at work or socially. This was an easy switch for me, because I just get decaf or a decaf tea (such as Chamomile) when meeting with clients at coffee shops. I do occasionally enjoy a cup once a month or two, if decaf isn't available, or if I have a task to complete that I think caffeine could help with (see below). 

While caffeine and sugar can both give you a feeling of energy and concentration (great for doing boring, repetitive, tasks at work), they can also result in a pounding heart, dehydration, a feeling of nervousness or edginess. This makes it harder to relax your body (caffeine is a stimulant drug after all), and with your body in high-alert mode all day, it's easier to burn yourself out. You might also find you're a bit on edge while trying to socialize in this state -- I'll never forget a first date I had with an investment banker who was so hopped up on energy drinks, he could barely sit in his chair (at least, I think it was energy drinks?). That did not result in a second date, if you were curious.

Not being hopped up on caffeine can really increase your brain's ability to focus (by itself, without stimulants), meaning you'll have an added edge of not needing coffee to have a killer answer in your morning (or afternoon) meetings. It can also make it easier to be creative or solve big-picture problems. 

Caffeine can also reduce your appetite, making it harder to get the important nutrients that your body (and brain) need to thrive. A nutrient-starved brain is foggy and slow. This will not help you excel and achieve ambitious goals. 

To reduce your coffee drinking? Try drinking a half cup less coffee today than normal, and gradually reduce the sugar, or switch to Stevia. Reduce very gradually (1/2 cup to a 1/4 cup less per day) -- or mix with decaf -- to help avoid headaches and trouble focusing. 

Caffeine helps you focus on left-brained tasks, such as adding a list of numbers, and it can help you get through boring tasks you dislike at work, but it can actually reduce your right-brained creativity for higher level problem solving (Alpha brain wave state). This is obviously a problem if you ever need to solve a higher level problem. 

Worst case? A brain affected by coffee-guzzling could get stuck in single-minded task mode (such as number-crunching or similar repetitive or boring tasks), making it harder to creatively problem solves your life problems. This means your brain would have a harder time creatively considering other options (new job, moving, traveling, working on self-development, even a new fitness routine), if you're not using your creative side to consider other options -- it's pretty tough to creatively analyze your whole career path and life when your brain is hyped up on the single-minded stimulant of caffeine. 

I do work with a lot of brilliant people who are simply cut off from their creative side, and I do blame coffee as one reason why. Many people who insist they don't have a creative bone in their body have been guzzling caffeine since college. I'm not saying it could cure someone who truly isn't creative, but the potential is there for a lot of people to excel and become better problem-solvers, by better understanding how their brain works. 

Hope you've enjoyed reading about this. For you, what is your best approach for caffeine? 

Wishing you all a fantastic week! Keep up the amazing work I know you're all doing. :)

-Julie

Are you frozen by the fear of a vague goal? 
4 Steps to Shatter This Barrier and Breakthrough to Success, Right Now!!

If so you'll feel stuck, overwhelmed by tasks, procrastinating, or "frozen."

If so, do this right now to fix it:

1) Write down what you need to do.
2) Break that task down into smaller steps.
3) Choose one small step you can handle doing right now.
4) Do that small step.

For instance, you might be frozen with, "How the heck do I start a business out of nowhere?" and feel very anxious. You might be pacing around, doubting yourself, wondering why you ever quit your job, or berating yourself for getting laid off, wondering how you'll not end up on the street, and so on, as that fear escalates. It's understandable, but it won't get you to your goal. How to fix it: 

Write down, "I want to start a business." Then break it down into steps. Your steps might be, "I need to brainstorm ideas," and "I need to research the market," and "I need input from others about what my strengths are." Then choose one small step you can do, such as pulling out a notepad and spending 10 minutes writing down every business idea you can think of that you might enjoy -- do you see how easy the actual task is? It's even fun! You'll enjoy the task once you get past the "frozen fear of a vague goal." Then continue on to the other tasks. For market research, you'll have to define what you're actually researching, perhaps "online sales for a certain type of baby clothing" and then get to work googling sources of data, or googling to answer the question "where do you find the data?"

See how the actual tasks are easy, even fun? It's the unknown that's scary. And a vague goal is FULL of unknowns. So define it. Break it down. Write it out clearly. 

You'll feel that fear fade instantly!! Ahh. Relief!!

This will break the cycle, and get the ball rolling, reminding you that you can handle anything, when you break it down into easy steps, and tackle each one-by-one.

Rome wasn't built in a day. But it was built brick-by-brick. You can place a few bricks today, which is easy to do, enjoyable, and all you need to do to get to your long-term goals! :D

One brick is all you need to start. One tiny task.

Give it a try. You can totally do it, even if you feel like you can't. Our feelings are always valid (such as fear), but often they are logically wrong. You can feel like you can't do something that you actually can do. And do it well.

I believe in you. You can do this. Do the 1 brick task now. Give it a try! :D

*free digital photos.net 

A "Love Letter" to Yourself. Read it! It's for you.

People talk a lot about "loving yourself," but what does that really mean? It isn't often articulated HOW you actually do that! It just sounds so corny! Other than the often suggested mirror-talking, where you dramatically say, "I love you!!!" to your reflection and then feeling so extremely embarrassed, like Stuart Smiley from SNL "I"m good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!" that you wished you hadn't even said it. 

Try this instead. This is a poem to read to yourself. No mirror (or horrible Stuart Smiley hairstyle) needed. This poem might help to express what it really means "to love yourself," more than a corny affirmation ever could! I know it's long, but be patient -- this part of yourself will be more receptive to embracing this with repetition! Reading this once a day is a great recipe for a stronger foundation of self. If you've previously pissed off this inner part of yourself by neglecting yourself, ignoring your feelings, etc., it may take a bit of time to get it to open up. So be patient. 

Read it to the part of yourself that feels small and in need of love. Think of this as a Valentine you're sending yourself. Like that awesome secret admirer you always wanted in 2nd grade!! 

And why again, are we doing this? Hmm? Aside from making your life tons happier, you'll notice lots more confidence, an easier time taking action, and you'll find yourself more willing to take on risks -- which leads to an overall improved and more successful life. A strong inner foundation is the basis for your most successful and easy life in all areas: relationships, career, friendships, etc. Building a foundation of strength is one of the main things I work on with all of my clients, regardless of how successful they are already -- this gets them to the next left. 

Note: If reading this makes you feel uncomfortable, just note that resistance. You might be feeling your need to be "perfect" in order to receive love. If you feel that way, it's all the more reason to plow forward with this exercise. Sadly, the world we live in often doesn't teach us how to do this stuff, so most people are quite "inner love starved" That's the world we live in. But we can all learn. Take a breath and give it a whirl. So read away and re-read this often. It's your love letter after all! 

To: Me. 

Always love

I love you always

when you do just great

and also when you lose and make 

many absurd mistakes.

I love you when you're decisive

and also when you can't choose.

I love you when you're strong

and when you're shaking

with weakness too.

When you're healthy as a horse,

and when you're sick and blue.

I love you as a child,

so beautiful and small,

and as a small person,

just like a little doll.

I love you as a young adult,

and an older one too.

I love you every minute

you're alive, and even after too.

I love you when you look fantastic

and your eyes just gleam,

as well as when you look so horrid 

and your true beauty goes unseen.

I love you when you get everything

done just right, and also when you 

drop the ball and procrastinate all night.

I love you when you do things well and make me 

proud and succeed,

and also when you fall flat on your face

and embarrass me.

When you're calm and happy I love you 

through and through,

just as much as when you're angry, depressed,

scared out of your mind, or sad and blue.

I love your mistakes and every regrets you still have, 

and all of your ugliness, and nightmares, it doesn't mean you're bad.

I love it all because it's all a part of you, even if it's something

you once tried (and failed) to do.

I'm not just saying this. It really is so true.

I love you even with failures, and even when people left,

when you were rejected and ignored, my lap is always here

for your head to rest. I love every nuance of your feelings

and every dream you've ever had, even when you're screaming

or annoying,

I just can't help but love you back.

I love you when you're too young or too old,

when you're overly shy or overly bold. When you've lost it 

all, or when you're dancing down a grand hall. 

I love it all.

I love you when you only got half the things on your

list completed, when you filled out the form wrong,

and when you didn't win, but conceded. 

When you're not logical enough, or too emotional, or

not emotional enough, or too logical, I love every inch

of you, because it's all a part of you.

I love you for your confidence, and the confidence

still unrealized. The part of you who doesn't yet know

how big your eyes will grow, when you see your full 

potential unroll at your feet, just like a red carpet,

and your beautiful future, you do meet.

I love you for your fear, the future and unknown, not

knowing if you can handle it, if you can build yourself

a life and home. I love you for the weakness because it 

does make you strong. And being human, your feelings

could never ever be wrong.

I love you for the things you wish had been different,

and the times you felt you were just sleeping

in a tent out in the rain alone, and everyone else had a home.

I love you for your loneliness and every single wound.

For all of your terrors and even that critical eye

that zooms right in onto all your flaws, and hangs it on the wall,

I even love that critical part of you, because it's still a part of you.

I hope that all of my love will someday dissolve these walls,

that keep you so lonely, and feeling always flawed. I hope

that it does melt these many layers of iron you've placed over

your heart, so that your life can finally start.

Never waiting for "someday" ever again, but grabbing your hand, we shall

become friends. And go off to do whatever your heart wants to 

explore. Seeing life as a playground, nothing less and nothing more.

This is my wish for you. To see my love as true. And though

I haven't always told you, I've always been right here next to you. 

I know you've been so very alone, with your own empty heart

in your own hand, but now I'm beside you, and I will always do

my best to understand.

Though were hurt by cold absence and disinterested eyes,

it was like a whip against your back and in that coldness you felt

despised, know those times are over now

and blame will do no good. Instead fall into my warm arms and know

I'm like a nice long walk through your favorite neighborhood.

I'm the soft place you can always fall. When you yell, I will come

running every time you call. I will not judge your fears or emotions as 

right or wrong, but I will only see them clearly, and try to understand what went 

wrong.

Like a child who only needs the comfort of an outstretched loving

hand, it is a human need to be cared for and loved, as much as it's a need to fly

for a dove. You don't say a dove is weak for needing to fly, and I'll never judge

you for wanting to see the warmth of kind, concerned eyes. 

Though many people who have loved you have came and went, or only loved

you sometimes, or left you outside the house in a tent, I can promise you this, I'll make it my life's work to love you always,

because there is nothing worse on the planet than not knowing your heart matters. 

And though you may think you are small and insignificant, to me you are a gold mine,

and we're moving from that tent, right into a mansion, because that's what you mean to me.

Maybe you didn't see it before, because others didn't see? But I have seen what lies under

that thin layer of mud, and it's a gleaming rock of gold right under that crud.

You are gold to me, and don't let me forget, to tell you this always. If I haven't said it

much before, it's not because you didn't deserve it. But because I wasn't sure how to tell

you. But now that I'm learning how to say it, I hope you're learning how to know it's true. 

I wrote this poem to you, to you, this small part of myself, which desperately

needs my healing and all of the love of myself. This scared lonely part

has waited far too long, but now that I'm an adult all grown and strong, I can be the 

rain to you and send down a shower that tells you that you belong, like candy falling right from the sky,

I hope to drop droplets of love right into your eyes. 

Like a favorite song gets stuck in your mind,

I want you to know I love you and I care all of the time. 

(This is a love letter to yourself. Just like any relationship, remind yourself of how you feel. Re-read this often, until it is just a part of your being). <3 p="p">

"Skinny Comfort Food" www.skinnycomfortfood.blogspot.com

I started a blog to keep track of great new recipes that TASTE like comfort food, but are incredibly healthy.


*Make your own milk. Takes less than 10 minutes.
*Fast chocolate ice cream (shh! made with avocados!)
*Flavored waters/juices, without the sugar or chemicals
*Gluten-free Jalapeno/cheddar biscuits
*Amazing creamy low-fat tomato soup
*Why I switched to quinoa, finally. Did you know it's a complete protein and in the same family as beets?

*and more...

Some healthy food ideas for the new year! I started posting some of my favorite ideas. Comfort food that's still good for you! <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

Check it out here:

Chocolate "cake" with chocolate "ice cream" and regular "ice cream"

3 Fast Health Boosts for the New Year!

Who doesn't want a six-pack for the New Year? Or at least a bunch more energy to tackle your goals? But realistically, we can't quit our jobs and spend 24-7 in a gym with a personal trainer. So let's talk about some realistic, small, changes we can all make, that really do make a difference! As I always say, the small changes are the big changes. Focus on what you want (energy, looking good, delicious food, fun exercise), NOT what you don't want.

1) Add short 5-minute bursts of exercise. 

You don't need to add in a 5-hour run around your city, or work with a trainer for 2 hours a day to see benefits from exercise. Just like spare change adds up quickly in a jar until you can barely lift it  -- I hate that, what do you even do with all of that change? -- small burst of exercise also add up into a noticeably healthier body, without "trying" so hard. 

Just add in the occasional 5-minute exercise boost. 

*While sitting at your desk, squeeze your abs in (pretend your abs are afraid of your shirt). Hold as long as you can and release. 

*Get out of the cab a few blocks from your destination (you'll save a few dollars as well) -- ladies, you may need to bring some fold-up ballet flats in your bag, if you're wearing heels. 

*Are you really taking the elevator to go up one floor? Get conscious of this, and do use the stairs. 

*Actually go to the grocery store -- Instead of using a delivery service. That 5-minute walk home with a bag of groceries will definitely give you a healthy boost, no tip needed.

*Do 10 push-ups. For some of us this will take the full 5 minutes :). And others of us could probably do hundreds in this amount of time. Do whatever you can in the time period. 

*Hold a plank position. 5 minutes is a long time in this pose.

*Put your back against the wall and bend your knees at 90 degrees, until you're sitting in a fake chair. You should feel your abs and legs working. Hold it.  

*While cooking dinner or washing dishes, dance a bit (okay, ya, make sure no one is watching if you have nosy roommates, unless you're really that good). 

*If you're waiting 15 minutes to take the subway 10 blocks, spend that time walking the blocks instead -- you'll probably get there faster anyway.

*If you're watching TV, during the commercials do squats or plies in 2nd.  

*If you're at the gym doing your usual plateau kind of work-out -- you know, that jogging or eliptical machine routine you've been doing for a year, without seeing results? And just add in 5 minutes of (heavy for you) weights. You'll probably see a difference the same day. And your metabolism will be boosted for several days. All for 5 minutes! Crazy.

2) Binge on the right stuff! Make your own veggie tray (party optional). 
At a party, I always attack the veggie tray. It's just so attractive and fresh, and I can't resist. Yet, veggies just look boring and daunting when they're sitting in my fridge. "What do I do with you, carrots? Why are you here?"

Try this. Make yourself a grand vegetable tray. No party needed. Leave it around your home on the weekends and it will be gone before you know it. Or throw it in a tupperware and take to the office -- you will devoir it before you know it. It takes only a few minutes to prepare. It's easy, and you will eat it, simply because it's in front of you. This will be your snack for the day of course, and you'll eat your regular 3 meals -- but you'll notice that you'll get a healthy/energy boost, and you won't be as famished at meal time, which makes it sooo much easier to eat the healthy-sized portion. Otherwise, you're starving, and more likely to binge on the wrong stuff -- such as those onion rings that mysteriously appeared, and 5000 calories later, you wonder "what happened?" You were starving, and it was there. Binge on the right stuff! You'll feel and look better for it.

Do it. 
Grab a bunch of your fav organic veggies, wash 'em, cut 'em up, (make a pretty platter, or just throw them in a tupperware container), and munch away.

Leave this platter around (your desk at work, or at home). You'll find it easy to nibble away and before you know it, you've upped your intake of very healthy food!

*If you're a fan of salad dressing or dips, exchange for...

• Delicious fat free greek yogurt with a packet of the healthiest ranch dressing mix you can find -- it tastes really similar to full-fat ranch dressing. 
• Dip in some healthy hummus (check the label to make sure it's low in fat, and is made without a lot of artificial ingredients)
• Fat-free cream cheese
• Salsa (Are my Arizona roots showing?) :)
• Marinara sauce works also). 
• Use a nut-butter for things like carrots and celery (cashew butter is tasty!) Try to find one that is low/free from sugar and without unnatural ingredients. You want the nut blended up and that's it.  

*Over time, you'll actually find you don't really need dips anymore -- they're pretty tasty solo.

It's very fast to make. You can also make a fruit salad. Of course, some types of fruit don't keep well once cut up, so you may have to eat it sooner (not such a horrible thing). :)

3) Make fitness social.

Instead of dreading going to the gym, don't stop until you find several kinds of exercise that you actually like. And either bring your own friends with you, or meet friends there. If you think of this as social time to let off some steam, instead of a dreaded "responsibility," you'll enjoy it more.

It's never too late to learn, even if you don't consider yourself "athletic." With enough practice, you will be!

*Indoor rock climbing
*Try spinning classes
*Sports (leagues or meetup groups) -- soccer, tennis, volleyball, etc.
*Try boxing, capoeira, a boot camp class, or something else you'd never think to try
*Take a martial arts class such as karate or judo, or simply a self-defense class
*Join a yoga class or group
*Partner dancing such as salsa dancing/tango/swing/other types of ballroom
*Individual dancing (in a class setting) such as hip hop, ballet, jazz, etc.
*Gym group classes
*Snowboarding/skiing/iceskating
*Gather one or several "gym buddies" and all work out together. Show one another your favorite exercises. Trying each other's routines will switch it up for you
*Join a running group, or jog with a friend or several
*Walk through the park or city

Making fitness social means you can accomplish your fitness goals, while spending time with good friends (or making new ones). You might check several resolutions off your list while doing these activities!

Try one or all of these ideas to add in a healthy boost to your 2013! 

*free digital photos. net

3 Reasons You May be Procrastinating, that Aren't Your Fault!

When we avoid going for a goal, we often blame ourselves, call ourselves "lazy," etc., but we sometimes don't realize there are REASONS we aren't taking action. Three reasons in particular.

To attack a goal, or even create a goal, requires ENERGY. Mental, physical, and emotional energy. A lot of us become DRAINED over time, by negative people, the small (and big) annoyances of life, or taking a lot of action without getting the results you want -- frustrating, yes? STOP and take note of the areas where you feel you need more energy. You may be physically strong, but emotionally drained. Or emotionally strong, but feeling weak physically.

RECHARGE:

1) Boost your PHYSICAL energy with daily exercise (a variety of types of exercise you enjoy, and some weight training), a diet of organic vegetables, fruits; healthy carbs like brown rice and quinoa; and organic proteins like lean chicken or beef, nuts, tofu, or rice and beans (together they make a complete protein). Also cut out caffeine, sugar, and processed foods whenever possible -- it's impossible to follow this perfectly, but make an "energizing choice" whenever possible (which means choose exercise and a healthy snack, to feel better). Also consider taking vitamins, as most of us really don't eat perfectly or get 5-9 servings of vegetables/fruits per day. Even if you do eat perfectly, the nutrient level in the food and your digestion may not extract enough of the nutrients you need, and vitamins help make sure you're not depleted. I mention this because lots of people lack B-vitamins and Vitamin D, among others, and it can lead to lethargy and lack of energy.

2) Emotional energy can be re-charged by doing an "emotional cleanse" to help you identify and let go of all of your baggage from the past. You have to feel it to heal it! Make a list of your "unfinished business" from the past, and spend some time each day simply noticing how you really feel about this. Write your feelings down, or tell someone about them. Get to the key idea that these emotions are signaling. Perhaps you felt slighted by someone, ignored, harmed, etc. -- once you "get the message" from your emotions, you'll be able to move forward. Also identify people who tend to bring you down! These people are negative, or they cancel plans often, show up extremely late, are flaky, and you simply can't rely on them -- this adds stress to your life and drains you. So limit time with people like this. There is a LOT more that can be done in this area, especially with coaching, so find a coach who understands you as a unique individual. The right coach will show you how to stay emotionally motivated and centered, so that you'll know how to keep yourself energized for life!

3) Mental energy will increase -- You will notice by improving the above, almost instantly, your mental clarity naturally comes into focus. You'll feel sharper, quicker, and more eager to take on new challenges. We often procrastinate or avoid work simply because we don't feel our best. Once you have the ball rolling with strong physical and emotional energy, you can CHALLENGE yourself by taking on new mental tasks -- perhaps starting a business, researching a new career path, considering a move, deciding what type of relationship would work best for you, or even discovering what makes you happiest in life and crafting a life plan. These things are FUN once you are re-charged with physical and emotional energy. Without energy? Doing this will sound like a root canal! That should be a clue to you about where your energy level is at, and what you need to do to improve it. :)

And as we approach the holidays, it's a very good time to take notice of your energy level. You won't make all of the changes over night, but every small change you make (even eating some vegetables), DOES make a BIG difference! YOU and your goals are IMPORTANT and you deserve to create the life you're meant for. The world needs you to be your best self.

So stop BLAMING yourself for not being perfect, and look for the reasons you aren't hitting your potential yet -- everything is happening for a reason. It can be difficult to notice objectively what's going on, so try talking to a non-judgmental life coach who can help you map out how things are going (or not going!).

Good luck everyone!

Perfectionist Pitfalls!

Quiz: Who in the above photo is perfect? 

No one is actually perfect. But many of us pretend to be. Your real goal should be to become "perfect at not being perfect," and even that will come with some mistakes :).

Perfectionism happens from an unrealistic idea, a fallacy, that you must be 100% perfect, and a single flaw means you are 100% loser. This is untrue all-or-nothing thinking. Yet, our society promotes this idea, and if you subscribe to it you will exert huge effort towards your impossible goal of perfection. You'll get a high off of feeling that others are seeing you as flawless (in those brief moments where things line up just right), and the rest of your human existence will feel slightly mortifying (ugh I cannot believe I had a typo in my Facebook post!! Everyone will think I'm a huuge loser now....Oh the shame...the shame).

Do you do this? If you feel "I must be perfect," this pressure it will cause you to:

*Procrastinate -- the stakes are high, so you may avoid taking action until absolutely necessary, allowing the adrenaline to give you a push. The problem with this is the stress hormones in your body are unhealthy and will exhaust you needlessly (stress is linked to numerous diseases). You may also miss a deadline if you wait until the last minute, leading to even more "feelings of failure."
*Avoid opportunities -- Perfectionists may avoid doing things where they could fail. This may mean not going for a promotion, avoiding a date, not making a new friend, or avoiding learning something new. All result in a less successful and happy life.
*Over-work -- perfectionists may stay up all night quadruple checking a report. The effort may be overkill for the task at hand, leaving you exhausted, meaning you're actually not being efficient with your energy.
*A feeling of emptiness -- perfectionists may go after every accomplishment (in a familiar area), yet each success may bring a very short "high" before it is simply pilled onto the meaningless stack.
*Basing your worth on your perfection means that you will never, ever, be good enough. No one is flawless, so this means you will always feel worthless if you base your worth on being perfect.
*Wanting to be perfect keeps us isolated, as we want to avoid any pain of "being exposed as imperfect." This means your social life won't be as rich and fulfilling.

BECOME PERFECT AT BEING IMPERFECT!

How to...

*Base your worth on your soul as a human being. Love yourself as is. This gives you the foundation you need to tackle any new challenge, not just the familiar.
*Know that everyone is flawed. No one is perfect all of the time (not even famous celebrities, CEOs, sports stars, etc.)
*Mistakes help us learn. They are part of the learning curve. To stay perfect means starving yourself of new opportunities that will allow you to get to the next levels of your career and personal life. Learning "what not to do" teaches you "what to do."
*Feeling "perfect" or "imperfect" means you feel on-top-of-the-world or like the "ultimate loser." Neither really exist. You simply are great as you are. You don't actually morph into a huge loser or huge success daily. Other people truly don't even notice, or care, about your mistakes.
*Give yourself permission to be imperfect. To be human! Try new things! DO the things you fear. Go ahead and do a public speech and allow yourself to mess up, often. Perhaps even blank out and stand there like a deer in headlights. The world actually won't end. Take a dance class where you WILL be struggling to keep up, and allow the teacher to laugh or glare at you. Know it's okay to say something really stupid on a date. Have a typo in an email. Say something awkward to a stranger on the subway. Go to the gym and sit on a machine completely backwards. You'll see these are human things, and funny things. At most, others will laugh with you (perhaps at you, but that's not the end of the world).
*Mistakes help us master new skills. Anything new will have mistakes in store for you. So welcome them. Think of yourself as a child learning to walk, and encourage yourself. Falls are part of learning. It's all part of the playground.
*See life as a playground, not a graded pass/fail daily performance. Feeling that life is your playground in which to experiment, play, take action, interact, and at times -- fall on your face -- will give you the confidence and energy you need to tackle any challenge. Allow life to be your playground. And go out and play.

Don't Look Down? You Should! And Up Too.

When climbing a ladder, or hiking up a steep mountain path, you'll likely hear shouts of "don't look down!" The idea is that we'll get so overwhelmed and scared of heights, that we'll freeze up and fall. So it's best to just pretend we aren't that high up.

Basically, denial. "Don't look."

We also experience this "don't look" issue when we contemplate going for a new goal.  Right before undertaking a new goal, "don't look up!" is our fear. When you "look up" at your goal, whether you are about to hike up a huge mountain, scale a rock wall, or climb the corporate ladder -- it's scary to "look up" and see what lies before you in its full, challenging detail.  Again, "don't look."


It's just as scary to "look up" as to look down, because to really SEE what is up there, means taking in the enormity of your goal. Not ignoring it in denial. It means seeing the true challenges. Every frightening looking cliff that you're not sure you can handle, every potential office politics encounter you might have before getting your promotion, every chance you could slip and fall. Do you see why "looking up" is so frightening? Of course it is!

It's easier to simply "not look up" at that mountain, or promotion, or gorgeous person you want to ask out. This lets us ignore the terrifying risks. We can then deny that that mountain even exists, lists reasons to rationalize why we don't need to climb it, or we do climb it while insisting we aren't really climbing it at all.

All limit our capacity for success, because we aren't brave enough to "look up" to see the full big picture -- this means we either don't try in the first place, or we try, but we limit our success by not having our eyes open to potential challenges: not being willing to see that threatening looking piece of rock means not being prepared to avoid it.

Instead of "looking up" at all the possibilities of things "we can climb" we ignore these wonderful potential possibilities by keeping our scared eyes fixed on solid ground. We think, "If I don't 'look up' I won't be scared that I might climb up that thing and fall off! It's best to pretend the mountain doesn't exist. If I don't see it, it doesn't exist."

Think of all the goals you have, or the things you'd love to do, that you try your best not to "see." That you ignore, because you imagine they are a mountain too high to climb? The mountain isn't impossible to climb, but you won't know this, because without "looking up" you won't even consider scaling those rocks. That mountain doesn't "exist" to you, so long as you don't see it with your own eyes.

Whole areas of life may be on your "I refuse to see it" list. 

Not seeing the mountain means we don't have to evaluate the enormity of our huge goal, we keep our eyes on the ground and try to not think about "that grand mountain up there!" If we don't see it, we don't have to worry about it. For some of us, not "looking up" means we can avoid climbing it in the first place.

It is easier to just walk the ground, but it's not as satisfying -- and talk about satisfaction...how many of us are truly happy these days? How many are on anti-depressant medication? How many are just getting through the day? There are many reasons for those problems, but taking on very challenging goals is invigorating -- because you aren't totally sure if you can handle it, bigger challenges give you more of a rush, and are highly satisfying, where as very small goals are more boring and routine -- you just won't get the same happy rush from them.

And this is across the board -- we're not just talking about climbing mountains -- but about your personal and professional goals for your life now, and your future. Making these goals higher than you originally imagined is a good thing. Set that bar beyond what you think you're capable of, and you'll be surprised to see what you can do.

For example, I worked with a trainer a while back, and I had never "looked up at" the mountain called "strength." I assumed that being a girl, I could ignore this mountain, so I never even considered trying to increase my strength because I assumed I couldn't. I was shocked that I was lifting as much as some of the (smaller) guys! This trainer encouraged me to "look up" and see the mountain, and I climbed it. It was hugely satisfying to see how wrong I'd been. I'd been capable of this my whole life, and just never gave it a shot.

What in your life do you think might be similar to this? Something you might be capable of, but you've never even tried, because you've been too scared to "look up" at that mountain before you?

You might find that when you change how you do things, even slightly, you feel a rush of new life energy -- just as I did when I was lifting more weight than I ever had in my life! So many of us are denied this great experience by feeling pressure from family, work, or our communities to "do things the same way you did yesterday," and "don't you dare change!" But there is always room to make small changes to shake up and re-energize your life.

What are some goals you wish you had the guts to "look up at"? Maybe it's starting a really exciting business, getting out of debt, losing weight, switching jobs, moving, traveling, expanding your social circle, ending a relationship that just isn't working, starting a relationship that could work beautifully -- what are you "afraid to look up at?" There's no shame in admitting this, as it is scary for everyone to look up!

Write down the thing you're afraid to "look up at."

I'm afraid to "look up" at_______________________.

If you weren't afraid, what would you want to do? ____________________.

Fear is helpful. It helps to prepare you. So take that as encouragement to continue on. Some butterflies in your stomach, or even intense dread, doesn't mean your goal is doomed. It means you're at the base of a mountain, and you've become brave enough to look up.

So instead of "not looking down' or "not looking up" OPEN your eyes. SEE.

Once you can see the full path, you can prepare yourself for challenges, picturing yourself getting to the top easily. Then you'll feel excited to begin! And your nerves will change to a rush of exciting energy -- what a great way to refresh your life, right?

You should also learn to not fear "looking down" because this shows your progress. You climbed all the way up here, and you deserve to see that! The more you look, the more comfortable you'll feel with your surroundings, whether you are high off the ground or contemplating a challenge ahead of you, SEEing it helps prepare you.

You deserve it. Open your eyes to the task before you. See it in all of its enormity. Only then can you begin to climb. 

Inspiring Memes -- Collect Away to Encourage yourself!

When reaching your goal you need both inspiration and encouragement. Inspiration is that initial spark you need to get going. Encouragement is what you need when the going gets tough (and it will get tough when you have a worthwhile goal!).

If you don't have your own personal coach that you're meeting with weekly to help you stay inspired, encouraged, and upbeat -- not everyone can afford one -- the next best thing is to collect meaningful phrases, quotes, and images -- these will help inspire and encourage you during your most daunting times. 

It's always helped me to keep inspiring quotes close at hand. I like to keep my favorites on my iphone, so I can quickly pull them up during frustrating moments to keep my focus. Waiting for the subway, in an elevator, or a few minutes of downtime is all I need to pull myself back on track.

I'm posting a whole plethora of quotes with images below. 

Keep the ones below that mean the most to you. You can post them to your own Pinterest, Twitter, Facebook, whatever you like, so that you can pull them back up whenever you need to -- I'm giving you permission to post away. Save it to your computer desktop, do whatever you like with it, so long as you don't alter the image. You can also follow me on those sites, so you don't miss new posters as they come out: Twitter, Pinterest.

Your collection will help get you through those trying moments where you really do want to give up -- any worthwhile goal will have plenty of moments like this. Whether your goal is to meet the love of your life, to go back to school, get a promotion, get in the best shape of your life, lose weight, make more great friends, travel, get your finances in order, heal your past, strengthen family relationships, move, etc., your collection of quotes will help you on your journey!

Collect away...