Boundaries are beautiful.

Boundaries allow us to be healthy individuals who can have close relationships. Without boundaries, other people can run all over us, using us, manipulating us, and leaving us emotionally depleted. It's like allowing strangers to walk right into your front door, and take a swig of milk straight from the carton...while possibly carrying out your TV on their way out. That vulnerable feeling is what it's like for a person who hasn't clarified their boundaries, or who doesn't yet know how to communicate them, and protect them.

A broken boundary is a cringe-worthy, hold-your-breath moment of "ick." It means someone has just ignored your wishes. They have knowingly trampled over your values, taken more than their share, used you, or violated an agreement! Not a good feeling.

But are you just being difficult?

People who break your boundaries often may put the blame on YOU. They may say that you are being too hard nosed or difficult. Also, boundary-breakers are often subtle, making them tough to spot sometimes. This can make it difficult to understand if you are being unreasonable, or are they are pushing past your boundary.

The purpose of stating a boundary is to protect YOURSELF. The key is you aren't insisting other people do things your way -- but that they find another way to get what they want, if you are unable to help. Putting a boundary out there doesn't mean you are FORCING anyone to do anything. You are simply stating what makes you comfortable, without asking anyone to do anything.

Be careful of abusive people, who may try to disguise a manipulative request as a "boundary." It's not!

"It makes me comfortable if you lend me a hundred dollars, otherwise it makes me uncomfortable" is NOT a boundary, but a request!! :)

A boundary would be, "Please don't poke my cats face, because she doesn't like it, and it makes me uncomfortable."

You can't just add the words "uncomfortable" to a sentence and have it be a boundary -- it truly must come from a place of making a decision based on a personal "limit" whether that is emotional, financial, physical, etc.

Let's start with an example of stating a boundary. In both of the following scenarios, Joe and Jane are emailing about plans for tonight -- he hasn't the foggiest idea why Jane is so uptight about her schedule! He may even think she's a bit nuts! But in the first example, he respects her boundary to get a good night's sleep. In the second, he doesn't.

EXAMPLE ONE -- RESPECTING BOUNDARY
Joe: Hey Jane, I can't meet you at 8pm because I'm running late. So it will have to be 8:40pm.
Jane: Hi Joe, I actually have a really early morning tomorrow. So if it's after 8, I think we should re-schedule.
Joe: (Has no idea why she's so "uptight" about her schedule) Okay, too bad!! I'm disappointed. Well I'm really wanting to go out, so I guess I'll ask Mike and Jenny to go instead. Too bad we can't catch up! I wish I'd known earlier you had an early day.
Jane: Ya, 8 would've been okay, but I have to get up at 5am, and it'll be too late otherwise.
Joe: Okay, just let me know next time you have a tight schedule. I run late sometimes w/ work, so plans can change.
Jane: Yes of course! Let's get together next week. I'll let you know if it's an early morning.

You can tell Joe is a little annoyed and disappointed, but he still respects her right to not stay out too late. He makes his own independent plans when she isn't able to stay out late.

EXAMPLE TWO -- NOT RESPECTING BOUNDARY

Joe: Hey Jane, I can't meet you at 8pm because I'm running late. So it will have to be 8:40.
Jane: Hi Joe, I actually have a really early morning tomorrow. So if it's after 8, I think we should re-schedule.
Joe: Seriously??! 40 minutes is going to make or break this??! It's only 40 mins! (minimizing something that's important to her).
Jane: (protecting boundary) If I stay out past 8:40, I'm not going to be rested for my meeting tomorrow. 8 was okay, but 8:40 is just too late.
Joe: You're going to break plans on me THIS late in the game? Really? That's really rude of you. You're leaving me hanging with NO one to go out with!
(Insulting her, pushing her to change her mind, not respecting her boundary!)
Jane: Sorry Joe but you know my job has been crazy lately. If I'd known you couldn't make it at 8, I would have told you sooner.
Joe: YOU could have told me your ridiculous rule before, so you wouldn't ruin my night!
(calling her boundary a "ridiculous rule" is one way to blow it off -- shifting attention away from his manipulative behavior, onto her. Also trying to make her feel sorry for him "poor him doesn't have plans.")
Jane: Well I need to be up early in the morning. And this conversation isn't making me comfortable, so I'm going back to work now. (protecting boundary).
Joe: You are so WEIRD! I'm making YOU uncomfortable?? YOU'RE the one who just cancelled on ME! Whatever, if you don't go out with me tonight, you can forget about me taking you to that movie on Sunday. (Insulting her, shifting focus to her, threatening to take away something she wants if she doesn't do what he wants right now).

Joe is not respecting her boundary. He's being manipulative, pushy and abusive. He's not taking responsibility for his actions, by blaming it all on "her breaking plans." When he was the one who had changed the plans in the first place.

It can be difficult to tell when someone is not respecting your boundaries, because breaking boundaries often goes hand-in-hand with people who are manipulative, pushy, or liars. So it may be hard to tell if you are being "too rigid" (as they will insist you are!!). Read on to find out if you are the problem, or not.

Abusive people DON'T respect your boundaries. Wondering if someone in your life is abusive? Give them the boundary test. See if they can respect your wishes, or not. If they can't, they can't be trusted to respect you. That said, it is YOUR responsibility to calmly and politely communicate your boundaries to others. They can't read your mind.

Usually, when a boundary is broken, you will feel a sense of "cringe" or "ick."

Whether you're watching helpless as someone clumsily carries off your prized possession to "borrow it," or you're putting cash in a friend's hand (when you'd really prefer not), or you're eying that person who is crashing on your couch -- yet again -- when they really could have stayed with another friend. Physical boundaries are also important too -- when someone is standing way too close to you, or perhaps their hand is on your shoulder or around your waist -- this happens to guys too! And you're not OK with this person doing that. Or even, if someone is piling their groceries literally on top of yours at the check-out line.

They all make you go "ick."

These are all warning signals that someone is crossing the line -- your line. Where is your line? Only you know. We all have different comfort levels.

It is your responsibility to:
1) Determine where your line is.
2) Let others know where your line is -- they can't read your mind.
3) Protect your line. When people step over it, tell them "no" or take action to protect yourself.

It is other people's responsibility to: listen to your wishes and respect them. They don't have to agree with your preference. They only need to respect your wishes.

HOW DO I FIGURE OUT WHERE MY LINE IS?
You can figure out where your line is by 1) That feeling of "ick" or 2) By doing some work writing down what your boundaries really are, in all areas of life.

For one person, lending $5 to a friend may not be acceptable -- depending on their values and beliefs. For another, lending $50,000 may be the limit. There is NO right and wrong! These are individual differences that need to be known.

The way we're raised, the culture we live in, and many other factors determine whether Heather is OK with kissing on the first date, or not. Or whether she wants to loan a friend $7000, or whether she wants to meet up with friends at 11:00pm, when she has to wake up at 5am the next day -- only she knows where she stands.

Where do you stand? Listen to the "ick."

For instance, do you feel nauseous when your boss asks you to spend Saturday at the office? That feeling is telling you something! Maybe you feel this is past your line of protecting "family time," but you are afraid of losing your job. If you haven't already figured out that this is past your "line," it will be harder for you to address this -- you might not have told your boss your wish in the first place. You'll probably still notice the feeling of "ick" is there, though. Once you determine your line, it will be easier for you to protect it.

It's important to separate out YOUR BOUNDARY from WHAT YOU FEAR WILL HAPPEN IF YOU SAY NO.

For example, you may fear losing your job if you tell your boss "no."

You certainly wouldn't be okay with your boss asking you to kill someone, to keep your job, would you?

But you might be okay with working 70-hour weeks a couple of times a month. Or, you might not. Only you know!

Make a list of what your boundaries are in all areas of life:
WORK/CAREER
PERSONAL SPACE
SOCIAL LIFE
FINANCIAL
GIFTS
FAVORS, ETC.

In all aspects of life -- dating, relationships, career, friendships, family -- we need to establish and protect boundaries. This enables us to grow CLOSER to people. We have strong relationships this way!! When we fear having our boundaries invaded -- because we don't know how to state them, or protect them, we fear relationships with other people.

Of course, you won't always agree with others -- not everyone will understand WHY you want something. But people who can RESPECT your wishes are the ones to keep in your life.

Ensure you build strong boundaries for your business, career, dating and relationships! One-on-one sessions make it easy.
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