How to Avoid the 5 Sins of Life Coaching -- 5 Things A Coach Should Never Do
How to Avoid the 5 Sins of Life Coaching -- 5 Things A Coach Should Never Do
By JulieMelillo
By JulieMelillo
In Life Coaching school, students learn techniques
to become effective coaches with clients -- but
knowing a fact from a book and applying it are two
very different things.
Coaches don't usually intend harm by not following the list of "coach sins" -- they instead have not yet trained themselves how to coach. Being a coach is not always easy and takes continued education and discipline.
An ineffective coach can even create additional roadblocks for a client. For example, a bad coach can cause a client to begin to question their own ability to think and solve problems -- the very opposite of what should be accomplished: getting the client to trust themselves and their intuition.
Anyone looking for a coach should keep these lists in mind, or forward to those you know who are looking for a coach. This applies to all areas of coaching.
Coaches don't usually intend harm by not following the list of "coach sins" -- they instead have not yet trained themselves how to coach. Being a coach is not always easy and takes continued education and discipline.
An ineffective coach can even create additional roadblocks for a client. For example, a bad coach can cause a client to begin to question their own ability to think and solve problems -- the very opposite of what should be accomplished: getting the client to trust themselves and their intuition.
Anyone looking for a coach should keep these lists in mind, or forward to those you know who are looking for a coach. This applies to all areas of coaching.
Difficulty: Moderately Challenging
Instructions
Instructions
- 1
- Never Judge a Client -- coaches are not experts. Clients are the experts of
their own lives. Clients already know what works best for them and what does
NOT. It is not the coach's place to judge the client or their actions. Why?
Because feeling judged prevents a client from feeling free to express
themselves and move forward. A client needs to decide for themselves how
they feel about their actions and their life path -- are they OK with what they've
done? Not okay? A coach's opinion is not relevant to this. If it is working for the
client, it is working for the client! If something is not working, the client will tell
the coach. Coaches need to trust in this.
- 2
- Never Give Advice -- this is the biggest problem I've seen. The coaching
process is completely separate from the psychotherapy process. A coach
should never give you advice as in "you should" or "don't do that" or even "go
buy this book." The most a coach can do is to ask if the client is open to a
suggestion. If so, the coach can provide the information in a neutral way. If you
hear a coach giving you advice, i.e. "you should not" or "my recommendation
is" they are not coaching effectively.
A coach's goal should be to unlock the answers inside of the client -- NOT advise the client themselves. The coach is not the expert; the client is. The coach's advice is weak in comparison with the powerful truth that is inside of the client.
- 3
- Never Jump to Conclusions -- I see this happening a lot. A client makes a
statement and the coach interprets it and moves on without clarifying. It is
better to over-clarify than to under-clarify! Example: Client says, "I feel stupid
that I lost my job." A bad coach will not clarify and assume they know what that
means.
The statement "I feel stupid" doesn't tell the coach very much. Why do they feel stupid? What does the word "stupid" mean to them? Embarrassed? Silly? Depressed? Do they feel stupid that they lost the job, or does that part not matter and it's only the fact that money isn't coming in? Is the problem that they don't know what to tell people at dinner parties? Or could they care less about that issue, but feel dumb for reducing their prospects of getting a future job because HR people will know they were fired? Or do they care about none of that, and only feel stupid because their wife said they were stupid? There is a core issue that needs to be discovered before moving on. If the coach doesn't ask, they risk not understanding the client and the process won't work.
- 4
- Never Say "I Feel Bad for You" -- The coach's intent is to be supportive, but this statement comes across as patronizing and makes the client feel weak and powerless. "Awww! You poor thing! You lost your job :(...Have a tissue! I feel so bad for you." Statements like these place the coach in a position of power and paint the client as a victim -- doing so will only restrict the coaching process. This is what a friend says. Not a coach. A coach should empower the client by showing they have faith in the client's ability by the coach's actions and words. Expressing sympathy, or even offering a box of tissues puts the client in a weaker position. To remain equals, the coach needs to not focus on their sympathy for the client, and instead focus on using the coaching process to help the client quickly make progress. Our clients are strong, powerful, emotionally healthy people -- even in times of change -- and this is where the coach's focus should be.
- 5
- Never Decide What is Possible for a Client -- the coach has no business deciding what is possible or "realistic" for a client. For one thing, the client knows far more about their abilities than the coach does. If a client wants something with a burning passion, there is a reason behind that.
It doesn't matter if the coach thinks the client is a bad writer, or a bad artist, or not likely to succeed in business. There are many routes to success -- more than any of us know.
For example, let's look at writers. There are hundreds, even thousands of different types of writers (just look at all the incredibly different types of writing needed for magazines, television, film, advertising agencies, blogs, etc. Even within the category of books, every type of book is different -- some absurd, some academic.) No one type of writing will make an author instantly successful. And there is no formula for success that a client must follow.
That said, even a writing expert would have a hard time predicting someone's success with all of these variable, the coach should certainly not try to play fortune teller!
Coaches should remain neutral and objective. The coach should not even be considering whether they think the client can make it or not -- who are they to decide? They should be asking the client what he or she thinks about the possibility of making their dream a reality.
Notice if you feel judged during a coaching session. If you feel uncomfortable while in a session, ask yourself if it's the growth process making you anxious, or is it the coach?
Feel free to express your concerns with your coach, especially if they have committed a "coaching sin." A good coach will apologize (we are all human after all) and try to tailor their coaching to fit the client. A bad coach will get defensive and blame you!
Keep this list handy when you search for a coach. If you feel a coach is not living up to the items on these lists, it may be best to continue searching. I have worked with coaches myself both during and after Life Coaching school -- I know the importance of finding the right one.
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