The 12 Real Reasons We Don't Hire a Life Coach
I'll admit it. Even though I'm a Life Coach in Manhattan now (and have been coaching since 2005), there was a time when I wasn’t comfortable hiring anyone to help me: not a life coach, not a therapist, not even a personal trainer. Yup. Despite now knowing the huge benefits that working with these professionals brings, there was quite a long time in my life when I just didn't want to do that! So if you feel this way, I understand.
I've since worked with many coaches, therapists and personal trainers, and now, I eagerly seek out more help wherever I can find it, because I'm all about streamlining and making things more efficient. And hiring people to help only makes sense to me. It's what powerful people do.
But back then I didn't feel this way AT ALL. I felt the opposite. I had a lot of reasons. And I’m wondering if any of you resonate with these reasons, which is why I'm posting this entry.
Do you know that the more emotionally healthy someone is, the more they seek out help and support? I guess that says something about my level of emotional health back then, doesn't it? In any event, back then, I didn't even realize how uncomfortable I was with the idea of others helping me.
If someone suggested I get a coach, or trainer, etc., I'd quickly dismiss it. "Not for me! Not right now," I'd think.
These thoughts and feelings can speed by so quickly, that it’s easy to find yourself saying “no,” without even knowing why. But all these years later, I have finally figured out why I wasn't comfortable with the idea. It took me some thinking, but I've identified my main reasons for that resistance.
I can totally relate with why some of you may not feel good about the idea of coaching at this point in your life. Because that was me, back then.
That “not good” feeling could mean two things:
1) Coaching just isn’t right for you right now.
2) Coaching is right for you, but one of the thoughts below is really bugging you.
Take a read and see if you identify with any of this. (You may have a few of your own to add to the list!)
Knowing this doesn't mean you should rush out and hire a coach, or therapist, or personal trainer, but it does help knowing what's going on with you. Then, if down the road it ever becomes useful for you, you may be more open to it.
1) I want to do it myself — Somehow I had this view that I would be “better” if I did it myself. Maybe I thought I was smart to save money? Perhaps I thought I’d become “stronger” if I just fumbled through on my own. Maybe it seemed wasteful to spend all that money on myself? Maybe I didn’t think I deserved the help? Or maybe I thought I didn’t deserve to spend so much on my own self development? Or perhaps I didn’t fully trust someone else to have my best interest at heart (which is valid, since not all coaches or therapists will be good, and some can in fact be damaging! You’ll need to watch out for that.) It does feel like a risk to start something new, for sure. Especially when it’s something you’ve never done before.
2) It’s not that important anyway — I remember thinking my goals were just “eh” "so-what" kinds of things. No one was going to die if I didn’t lose 10 pounds. And if I didn’t reach my full potential and stayed in a so-so job, was the world really going to end? Because my unhappiness wasn’t dramatic, I felt no need to take dramatic action, by hiring a coach. I may have even thought that coaches or therapist would be like “why are you even here? Nothing is that bad.” I didn’t realize back then that things don’t have to be “bad” to get help. Coaching is about making good things great. For me though, some of those things really were quite bad back then! And not reaching your potential and only half-living your live is a pretty seriously depressing thing to do. But you can see how I minimized that, by saying “it’s just not that big of a deal.” It can be easier to minimize than to face.
3) Not wanting to focus on problems — Somehow I thought that focusing on problems would make me feel depressed, or even open pandora’s box, and my life would become super depressing and feel like “ick.” I wanted to stay in a positive place, and “not go there.” But by doing so, I was actually not as happy on a day-to-day basis, as addressing things. Not reaching goals is boring and depressing. And it’s stressful to try to ignore things you don’t really love about your life. It feels cleansing and invigorating to actually work on the problems, with someone who cares. But I didn’t know that back then. Note: Therapy is the place where you'd really dive into any past pain. Coaching is where you focus on taking powerful action and strengthening the strong, positive, action-focused-part of yourself.
4) Not wanting to be criticized — A bad therapist or coach will criticize you. They aren’t suppose to. But bad ones will. I guess I was reluctant to put insecurities out there to have them potentially be exposed and then criticized! Yikes. I’ve since learned it’s good to feel a professional out, and notice if they make you feel criticized early on. If so, run! Good coaching (or therapy) should be about acceptance, understanding, and problem-solving where you feel on the same level as the professional (not that they are “smarter” than you). If they’re acting like they’re better than you, or using jargon you don’t understand, or putting you down in any way, they’re not doing their job! Professionals should be treating you as an equal, with respect, but not all do. I’ve worked with some who didn’t respect me and made me feel awful in fact. So again, this is a risk you take, but you can slowly open up only after trust has been earned. But anyway, this is another thing that made me feel reluctant.
5) The cost — Coming from a very thrifty family, I just couldn’t get over the cost. Therapy and coaching can both cost $150-$300 a session. It made me angry to think it might take thousands of dollars before even seeing any progress, if I’d ever see any at all, and that just made me feel pissed off in advance. I didn’t want to sign up not knowing if it would even help. And honestly I had some sessions (with therapists) where I left feeling “what was the point of that?” I did have times where I felt I was being lured along towards some goal of “someday” and no work was actually being done in the sessions — not okay. So again, a valid fear. Not everyone will have that bad experience, but it can happen.
6) Manipulation — Some therapists and coaches don’t tell you upfront what you’re actually getting. They won’t give you full rates and details. So you’re sort of guessing. Then, they want to give you a “free consultation” to rope you into working with them. So once you feel all warm and fuzzy, you sign up for some very expensive program that you’d never have chosen otherwise. I feel like this manipulation is just NOT OKAY, and it’s a reason I email out FULL rates and all details before even talking with someone. It should be YOUR decision to hire me, not an action you take based on feeling manipulated or obligated. This was a concern of mine, and another valid one!
7) What will people think? — Yes, coaching is confidential, as is therapy. But I like to be open with those closest to me, and I didn't want to hide that I was working with someone I was concerned it may look like a weakness if I was working on myself. Instead of seeing it as something a strong person does (much like an athlete is more likely to seek out a professional coach, versus a couch potato), and I know now, from experience that a CEO is more likely to email me for rates than your average Joe, I was still concerned. While coaching is common in Manhattan, it didn’t seem as common to me back in Arizona. Back then, I feared that telling people I'd hired someone might make them think I was “troubled.” While coaching is confidential, I would feel worse “hiding” the fact that I was working with someone. So this was another thing that bothered me.
8) I’m good at this stuff — Even back before I became a coach, I was always pretty good at dealing with feelings, ideas, and self-devleopment stuff, so I couldn’t help but think, “I got this.” The problem was, we can’t see the whole way around ourselves, and this is why coaching is so helpful — because it provides us with the full view of what’s going on, objectively! So we can be more efficient about making changes. A good example? I was working out at the gym the other day, and a trainer (not mine), came up to me to correct my form while I was doing some planks. I didn’t even realize I was arching my back! But I was, and once he corrected me, I could instantly feel the improvement. He also told me that the way I was swinging my legs during an exercise could be improved. Even though I thought I’d already corrected my form in the mirror, I couldn’t see the full view. Small changes can improve things right away. This is how Life Coaching works also. Someone else can give you the full view of your life in a way you’ll never be able to see, so that you can connect the dots and decide on improvements you want to make. Though I won’t give you advice in coaching, I will give you the full picture, so you can decide what you’d like to do. You can believe my form is already better with those planks! (My abs felt the burn for days!) And I’m considering hiring him as my trainer!
9) No one I know has a coach — Birds of a feather flock together. Back then, I had never met anyone who had worked with a coach. Maybe they just kept it a secret? Or maybe we were all in similar ruts and afraid to break out of them? In any event, it seemed “unusual” to have a coach. It didn't seem common back then, and in Arizona fewer people seemed to hire coaches, versus in New York, where every other acquaintance of mine now mentions that they've worked with a coach, when I tell them it's what I do. They usually say, "Oh do you know so-and-so? I worked with her a few times." But back then, because I didn’t see it as common, I didn’t consider trying it out for myself.
10) My friends/family are good enough listeners — This was a big mistake, for me. One, those close to you are not trained to help you objectively. And even if they are trained, they cannot stay objective, since they are in a relationship with you. They have a stake in your decisions, and they are personally affected by your actions. Some will hurt their feelings. So best intentions aside, they won’t be able to coach you effectively. Sometimes they can even hold you back by convincing you that you don’t need a coach, because they fear you might start flying without them, leaving them behind. This happened to me, as I allowed some people in my life to be my sounding board, and to give me advice (much of it not helpful), when I should have kept those relationships as personal ones only, instead of voicing my business/professional concerns. It ended up holding me back. Out of insecurity, I listened to some advice that I shouldn’t have. But I had no idea about this back then. I thought it was just fine, and couldn't see how it was actually hurting me to do this.
11) I have a whole stack of self-development books -- Back then, I believed I could read books and that was enough. Now, books are amazing, and many have changed my life. But following the #8 example above, books aren't specific to US and our UNIQUE situations. There is no book which can see the full view of YOU and your life RIGHT NOW, the way coaching can. Coaching sessions are set up every week, with accountability, because you will be seeing your coach again soon, and this motivates you to do your tasks. A book can't do that for you. Back then I felt like I was "doing something," having a stack of books on my side table. But I was I taking powerful action? No. I was flipping through and occasionally skimming, and mostly procrastinating.
12) It's OK if it takes a really long time -- I guess when I was younger, I felt I had all the time in the world. Did it really matter if my goal took ten years instead of five? Back then it didn't. Good coaching (or therapy, or personal training) is fast and can provide immediate results, while working on your own can be an endless process of procrastination, with stacks of books you don't finish reading, journals you barely write in, and seminars you forget to sign up for. Notice I said "good." If you're not seeing any results with your coaching, therapy, or personal training, something is off! You may have gradual improvement, but you should feel at least a small change right away. If everything is said in terms of "someday" and you don't feel any new shift, that's not good. So anyway, back then I regret to admit that I did waste a lot of time, thinking I had all the time in the world. Not realizing how important working towards my happiness and success really was.
No matter what your age, we can feel it doesn't really matter if we take decades to do something, which really could have been done much faster.
But these are the regrets which haunt us. Not using the gift of time we have in life, not taking the bull by the horns and making our life a beautiful journey of living powerfully as our true selves, and giving ourselves permission to experience it.
I've since worked with many coaches, therapists and personal trainers, and now, I eagerly seek out more help wherever I can find it, because I'm all about streamlining and making things more efficient. And hiring people to help only makes sense to me. It's what powerful people do.
But back then I didn't feel this way AT ALL. I felt the opposite. I had a lot of reasons. And I’m wondering if any of you resonate with these reasons, which is why I'm posting this entry.
Do you know that the more emotionally healthy someone is, the more they seek out help and support? I guess that says something about my level of emotional health back then, doesn't it? In any event, back then, I didn't even realize how uncomfortable I was with the idea of others helping me.
If someone suggested I get a coach, or trainer, etc., I'd quickly dismiss it. "Not for me! Not right now," I'd think.
These thoughts and feelings can speed by so quickly, that it’s easy to find yourself saying “no,” without even knowing why. But all these years later, I have finally figured out why I wasn't comfortable with the idea. It took me some thinking, but I've identified my main reasons for that resistance.
I can totally relate with why some of you may not feel good about the idea of coaching at this point in your life. Because that was me, back then.
That “not good” feeling could mean two things:
1) Coaching just isn’t right for you right now.
2) Coaching is right for you, but one of the thoughts below is really bugging you.
Take a read and see if you identify with any of this. (You may have a few of your own to add to the list!)
Knowing this doesn't mean you should rush out and hire a coach, or therapist, or personal trainer, but it does help knowing what's going on with you. Then, if down the road it ever becomes useful for you, you may be more open to it.
The Real Reasons Why I didn't Hire Anyone Back Then (Even Though I Could Have Used the Help, and it Would Have Speeded Up Results for Me).
1) I want to do it myself — Somehow I had this view that I would be “better” if I did it myself. Maybe I thought I was smart to save money? Perhaps I thought I’d become “stronger” if I just fumbled through on my own. Maybe it seemed wasteful to spend all that money on myself? Maybe I didn’t think I deserved the help? Or maybe I thought I didn’t deserve to spend so much on my own self development? Or perhaps I didn’t fully trust someone else to have my best interest at heart (which is valid, since not all coaches or therapists will be good, and some can in fact be damaging! You’ll need to watch out for that.) It does feel like a risk to start something new, for sure. Especially when it’s something you’ve never done before.
2) It’s not that important anyway — I remember thinking my goals were just “eh” "so-what" kinds of things. No one was going to die if I didn’t lose 10 pounds. And if I didn’t reach my full potential and stayed in a so-so job, was the world really going to end? Because my unhappiness wasn’t dramatic, I felt no need to take dramatic action, by hiring a coach. I may have even thought that coaches or therapist would be like “why are you even here? Nothing is that bad.” I didn’t realize back then that things don’t have to be “bad” to get help. Coaching is about making good things great. For me though, some of those things really were quite bad back then! And not reaching your potential and only half-living your live is a pretty seriously depressing thing to do. But you can see how I minimized that, by saying “it’s just not that big of a deal.” It can be easier to minimize than to face.
3) Not wanting to focus on problems — Somehow I thought that focusing on problems would make me feel depressed, or even open pandora’s box, and my life would become super depressing and feel like “ick.” I wanted to stay in a positive place, and “not go there.” But by doing so, I was actually not as happy on a day-to-day basis, as addressing things. Not reaching goals is boring and depressing. And it’s stressful to try to ignore things you don’t really love about your life. It feels cleansing and invigorating to actually work on the problems, with someone who cares. But I didn’t know that back then. Note: Therapy is the place where you'd really dive into any past pain. Coaching is where you focus on taking powerful action and strengthening the strong, positive, action-focused-part of yourself.
4) Not wanting to be criticized — A bad therapist or coach will criticize you. They aren’t suppose to. But bad ones will. I guess I was reluctant to put insecurities out there to have them potentially be exposed and then criticized! Yikes. I’ve since learned it’s good to feel a professional out, and notice if they make you feel criticized early on. If so, run! Good coaching (or therapy) should be about acceptance, understanding, and problem-solving where you feel on the same level as the professional (not that they are “smarter” than you). If they’re acting like they’re better than you, or using jargon you don’t understand, or putting you down in any way, they’re not doing their job! Professionals should be treating you as an equal, with respect, but not all do. I’ve worked with some who didn’t respect me and made me feel awful in fact. So again, this is a risk you take, but you can slowly open up only after trust has been earned. But anyway, this is another thing that made me feel reluctant.
5) The cost — Coming from a very thrifty family, I just couldn’t get over the cost. Therapy and coaching can both cost $150-$300 a session. It made me angry to think it might take thousands of dollars before even seeing any progress, if I’d ever see any at all, and that just made me feel pissed off in advance. I didn’t want to sign up not knowing if it would even help. And honestly I had some sessions (with therapists) where I left feeling “what was the point of that?” I did have times where I felt I was being lured along towards some goal of “someday” and no work was actually being done in the sessions — not okay. So again, a valid fear. Not everyone will have that bad experience, but it can happen.
6) Manipulation — Some therapists and coaches don’t tell you upfront what you’re actually getting. They won’t give you full rates and details. So you’re sort of guessing. Then, they want to give you a “free consultation” to rope you into working with them. So once you feel all warm and fuzzy, you sign up for some very expensive program that you’d never have chosen otherwise. I feel like this manipulation is just NOT OKAY, and it’s a reason I email out FULL rates and all details before even talking with someone. It should be YOUR decision to hire me, not an action you take based on feeling manipulated or obligated. This was a concern of mine, and another valid one!
7) What will people think? — Yes, coaching is confidential, as is therapy. But I like to be open with those closest to me, and I didn't want to hide that I was working with someone I was concerned it may look like a weakness if I was working on myself. Instead of seeing it as something a strong person does (much like an athlete is more likely to seek out a professional coach, versus a couch potato), and I know now, from experience that a CEO is more likely to email me for rates than your average Joe, I was still concerned. While coaching is common in Manhattan, it didn’t seem as common to me back in Arizona. Back then, I feared that telling people I'd hired someone might make them think I was “troubled.” While coaching is confidential, I would feel worse “hiding” the fact that I was working with someone. So this was another thing that bothered me.
8) I’m good at this stuff — Even back before I became a coach, I was always pretty good at dealing with feelings, ideas, and self-devleopment stuff, so I couldn’t help but think, “I got this.” The problem was, we can’t see the whole way around ourselves, and this is why coaching is so helpful — because it provides us with the full view of what’s going on, objectively! So we can be more efficient about making changes. A good example? I was working out at the gym the other day, and a trainer (not mine), came up to me to correct my form while I was doing some planks. I didn’t even realize I was arching my back! But I was, and once he corrected me, I could instantly feel the improvement. He also told me that the way I was swinging my legs during an exercise could be improved. Even though I thought I’d already corrected my form in the mirror, I couldn’t see the full view. Small changes can improve things right away. This is how Life Coaching works also. Someone else can give you the full view of your life in a way you’ll never be able to see, so that you can connect the dots and decide on improvements you want to make. Though I won’t give you advice in coaching, I will give you the full picture, so you can decide what you’d like to do. You can believe my form is already better with those planks! (My abs felt the burn for days!) And I’m considering hiring him as my trainer!
9) No one I know has a coach — Birds of a feather flock together. Back then, I had never met anyone who had worked with a coach. Maybe they just kept it a secret? Or maybe we were all in similar ruts and afraid to break out of them? In any event, it seemed “unusual” to have a coach. It didn't seem common back then, and in Arizona fewer people seemed to hire coaches, versus in New York, where every other acquaintance of mine now mentions that they've worked with a coach, when I tell them it's what I do. They usually say, "Oh do you know so-and-so? I worked with her a few times." But back then, because I didn’t see it as common, I didn’t consider trying it out for myself.
10) My friends/family are good enough listeners — This was a big mistake, for me. One, those close to you are not trained to help you objectively. And even if they are trained, they cannot stay objective, since they are in a relationship with you. They have a stake in your decisions, and they are personally affected by your actions. Some will hurt their feelings. So best intentions aside, they won’t be able to coach you effectively. Sometimes they can even hold you back by convincing you that you don’t need a coach, because they fear you might start flying without them, leaving them behind. This happened to me, as I allowed some people in my life to be my sounding board, and to give me advice (much of it not helpful), when I should have kept those relationships as personal ones only, instead of voicing my business/professional concerns. It ended up holding me back. Out of insecurity, I listened to some advice that I shouldn’t have. But I had no idea about this back then. I thought it was just fine, and couldn't see how it was actually hurting me to do this.
11) I have a whole stack of self-development books -- Back then, I believed I could read books and that was enough. Now, books are amazing, and many have changed my life. But following the #8 example above, books aren't specific to US and our UNIQUE situations. There is no book which can see the full view of YOU and your life RIGHT NOW, the way coaching can. Coaching sessions are set up every week, with accountability, because you will be seeing your coach again soon, and this motivates you to do your tasks. A book can't do that for you. Back then I felt like I was "doing something," having a stack of books on my side table. But I was I taking powerful action? No. I was flipping through and occasionally skimming, and mostly procrastinating.
12) It's OK if it takes a really long time -- I guess when I was younger, I felt I had all the time in the world. Did it really matter if my goal took ten years instead of five? Back then it didn't. Good coaching (or therapy, or personal training) is fast and can provide immediate results, while working on your own can be an endless process of procrastination, with stacks of books you don't finish reading, journals you barely write in, and seminars you forget to sign up for. Notice I said "good." If you're not seeing any results with your coaching, therapy, or personal training, something is off! You may have gradual improvement, but you should feel at least a small change right away. If everything is said in terms of "someday" and you don't feel any new shift, that's not good. So anyway, back then I regret to admit that I did waste a lot of time, thinking I had all the time in the world. Not realizing how important working towards my happiness and success really was.
No matter what your age, we can feel it doesn't really matter if we take decades to do something, which really could have been done much faster.
But these are the regrets which haunt us. Not using the gift of time we have in life, not taking the bull by the horns and making our life a beautiful journey of living powerfully as our true selves, and giving ourselves permission to experience it.
In conclusion, these were the things which held me back from seeking out help, or hiring a coach. What are your reasons? It's interesting to start to understand ourselves. Maybe you are even afraid to grow and change? Maybe it could feel uncomfortable to do something new? Perhaps it's a self-esteem issue, or you feel you don't really deserve it? Maybe success scares you? Maybe you don't want to make the people around you feel bad if you shine? It could be so many things, and only you know what's really going on with YOU right now. Whatever it is, I urge you to understand and accept yourself, just wherever you're at right now. Don't try to change it, just accept it AS IS. Allow yourself to have whatever thoughts and feelings, and resistance. Allowing is a beautiful thing! :)
If you don't have any reasons, or resistance, and you feel I may be a good coaching match for you, and there are goals you'd like to reach (in personal or professional life) email me for rates right now. You'll get all the info to decide if this fits into your life the right way.
I'm wishing you all a beautiful life, lived boldly, as yourself, with no regrets. And it's the things we don't do, which we tend to regret. Do them. You deserve to live fully and completely with a new sense of freedom, feeling safe, loved, powerful, free, and excited. Anything less? Is less than what you deserve.
I wish I had known this "back then."
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