Is your marriage/relationship likely to fail?
This researcher has a reliable method for spotting the signs of relationship doom. Look at the signs, and see if your relationship or marriage is in need of big help.
Is your marriage/relationship likely to fail?
Famous researcher John Gottman has identified a reliable method for spotting the signs of relationship doom. Look at the signs, and see if your relationship or marriage is in need of big help.
The signs include
1. How a discussion begins -- using harsh language, being negative, or showing contempt lead to a failed discussion with a negative outcome. On the other hand, being positive increases the odds the discussion will end on a positive note.
2. The "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." This common group of 4 warning signs almost certainly leads to divorce.
First, Criticism -- not to be confused with healthy "complaints." Complaints are fine. They are facts about feelings and situation, i.e., "When you didn't show up on time, I was angry." Criticism however, spells disaster. An example of criticism is, "You're a selfish fool for being late. Why can't you wear a watch you idiot?" Criticism attacks a person's character and leads to relationship breakdown.
Second, Contempt -- a common reaction to criticism. Eye-rolling, sarcasm, making a mockery of a conversation, etc. This is the worst of all 4 signs, as it communicates disgust. It also escalates conflict. Resolution is impossible when one person is communicating with contempt. All efforts will be doomed to fail if contempt is present.
Third, Defensiveness -- a reaction to contempt, becoming defensive means a partner is saying "the problem is not me, it's YOU." This of course results in escalating the problem farther. Resolving the problem is impossible.
Fourth, Stonewalling -- more common in men, though sometimes used by women, stonewalling means tuning your partner out. Becoming non-responsive. The lack of response usually enrages the partner farther, continuing the conflict. Or the conflict is dropped, but not resolved, often leading to loneliness within the relationship or divorce.
3. Becoming Flooded -- this happens when one partner becomes emotionally overwhelmed. It happens because one partner had used negativity including defensiveness, contempt, or criticism. Disengaging is a common reaction that provides a temporary protected feeling, but usually leads to divorce.
4. Bad Body Language -- stress changes in the body due to flooding, such as an increase in blood pressure, make it much harder to think intelligently and resolve the conflict. Instead, partners fight or flee, leaving the problems unsolved and wounds fresh. This means the problems will not be resolved and will come up again.
5. Failed Attempts to Repair -- one partner in a happy relationship will reduce conflict by making a joke, giving a smile, a touch, a hug. These actions work to reduce conflict, preventing the negative chain of events. However, if one partner has already reached the flooded stage, these attempts to reduce conflict will fail.
6. Recalling Bad Memories -- if this negative chain of events happens enough, couples will be left with much pain and unresolved problems. This creates a series of bad memories that leads to negativity. This negative view actually distorts the past perception of what's happened, leading to see the partner as "bad." This spells almost certain doom for a couple.
References:
Dr. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Dr. John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...And How You Can Make Yours Last
http://www.isoulseek.com/sitebranches/relationskills/articles/6signs.pdf
The signs include
1. How a discussion begins -- using harsh language, being negative, or showing contempt lead to a failed discussion with a negative outcome. On the other hand, being positive increases the odds the discussion will end on a positive note.
2. The "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." This common group of 4 warning signs almost certainly leads to divorce.
First, Criticism -- not to be confused with healthy "complaints." Complaints are fine. They are facts about feelings and situation, i.e., "When you didn't show up on time, I was angry." Criticism however, spells disaster. An example of criticism is, "You're a selfish fool for being late. Why can't you wear a watch you idiot?" Criticism attacks a person's character and leads to relationship breakdown.
Second, Contempt -- a common reaction to criticism. Eye-rolling, sarcasm, making a mockery of a conversation, etc. This is the worst of all 4 signs, as it communicates disgust. It also escalates conflict. Resolution is impossible when one person is communicating with contempt. All efforts will be doomed to fail if contempt is present.
Third, Defensiveness -- a reaction to contempt, becoming defensive means a partner is saying "the problem is not me, it's YOU." This of course results in escalating the problem farther. Resolving the problem is impossible.
Fourth, Stonewalling -- more common in men, though sometimes used by women, stonewalling means tuning your partner out. Becoming non-responsive. The lack of response usually enrages the partner farther, continuing the conflict. Or the conflict is dropped, but not resolved, often leading to loneliness within the relationship or divorce.
3. Becoming Flooded -- this happens when one partner becomes emotionally overwhelmed. It happens because one partner had used negativity including defensiveness, contempt, or criticism. Disengaging is a common reaction that provides a temporary protected feeling, but usually leads to divorce.
4. Bad Body Language -- stress changes in the body due to flooding, such as an increase in blood pressure, make it much harder to think intelligently and resolve the conflict. Instead, partners fight or flee, leaving the problems unsolved and wounds fresh. This means the problems will not be resolved and will come up again.
5. Failed Attempts to Repair -- one partner in a happy relationship will reduce conflict by making a joke, giving a smile, a touch, a hug. These actions work to reduce conflict, preventing the negative chain of events. However, if one partner has already reached the flooded stage, these attempts to reduce conflict will fail.
6. Recalling Bad Memories -- if this negative chain of events happens enough, couples will be left with much pain and unresolved problems. This creates a series of bad memories that leads to negativity. This negative view actually distorts the past perception of what's happened, leading to see the partner as "bad." This spells almost certain doom for a couple.
References:
Dr. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Dr. John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail...And How You Can Make Yours Last
http://www.isoulseek.com/sitebranches/relationskills/articles/6signs.pdf
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