The Enticing Lure of Negative Motivation -- You are the Boxer and the Coach

Negative motivation will lure you with the promise of beating yourself up until you become successful, but it's a trap. "If I just berate myself a little bit more, I think I'll push myself to do better -- it has worked before."

Yes there's something enticing about being that coach who screams at your boxer, "You no good piece of ____! Do better or go home, you idiot." Sure, sounds fun enough.

And your temporary results seem to prove it works. Yeah, that boxer rushes out to meet his opponent with a big punch. So what's the problem with beating yourself up this way? What's wrong with being the "negative motivation coach" for yourself?

Personal story: When I was in college, before every big test or paper or assignment, I'd really start to loathe myself deeply -- I'd convince myself that if I slacked I was destined to drop out of school and end up a miserable failure. I'd insist I WAS a miserable failure already, and the only way to claw out of this mess would be to do amazing on this one assignment. The result? I graduated Magna Cum Laude. But at what price? I was emotionally drained, always stressed out, I procrastinated, and it took me about 3-4 hours of intense self loathing before I could launch into action (that's some serious wasted time). But I felt it was the ONLY way to succeed, since it was the ONLY thing I knew that worked.

Anyone relate to this? A LOT of my clients gravitate towards this pattern of negative motivation. It's common.

Just because beating yourself up worked in the past, doesn't mean it's the most productive way to be successful. It's draining, and you'll never get to the very top level using negative motivation. Let me say that again, "YOU'LL NEVER GET TO THE VERY TOP LEVEL USING NEGATIVE MOTIVATION."

You're your own boxing coach. You get to scream whatever you want. Do you use negative motivation? If so, there's a point where your inner boxer gets fed up, sulks in the corner, and says, "F-you, too."

And all of those images you paint, that blueprint your mind builds, of you becoming a miserable failure? It's more likely to happen, because you are picturing it constantly! What you picture you in your mind, you build in your life. Yikes!!

The solution?

Don't let your boxer get to that point. Change your coach, and you change your boxer.

HOW TO FIX IT:

Build up your boxer with positive motivation. You are the BEST, so act like it. You've succeeded before, so let's see some more of that. Do you see how this creates a blueprint of being the best? Then that blueprint makes it easy to build a successful you.

Notice your own critical voice (your own boxing coach)...if it says "You suck" or "You can't" or "This isn't good enough," then 1) take a deep breath, 2) Tell it to be quiet, and 3) correct it.

Tell yourself, "I rock" and "I can" and "I will make it better, until it's good enough." Then focus on action: "What action can I take?"

Mistakes? Those are just tiny hiccups on the way to more success. No problem, and now on to your next action.

This approach will reinforce your own self concept as being AMAZING, instead of telling yourself that you are CRAP. We do live up to what we tell ourselves -- this is the danger of negative motivation. You might get some temporary successes beating yourself up into action, but you will end up having a blueprint of becoming CRAP instead of AMAZING. This limits your potential. Yikes.

Do you want to be a kinda-good boxer? Stay at this so-so level? Then keep practicing negative motivation on yourself. It's just draining enough that you won't have the energy or mental blueprint to break through to the next level. If you want to be the best of the best, start talking to yourself differently.

Change that blueprint to AMAZING, and you can then build up and up, to the top level. Do this by changing to positive motivation instead.

Motivate yourself with positive motivation, and you'll have more energy. Which means you can accomplish more, while feeling happier at the same time. This means you'll have momentum going to accomplish AMAZING things.

(Be patient. This kind of mental change doesn't happen overnight for anyone). It's a process and takes about 3 months to finally stick to your new approach. But it is possible. Contact me for coaching if you want to ensure you are using positive, not negative motivation. Otherwise you are putting a cap on your level of success. Visit www.yourdreamslifecoach.com for rates.

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Let your feelings exist, and you live in a beautiful garden. Ignore them and life feels like a dirt lot.

#1 Secret of successful people

Secret of successful people...they use the question and answer technique!

When you hit a roadblock, question and answer your way out of it.

*If you don't know it, how could you find it out?
*If you don't have clarity, how could you get it?
*If your career/business path is a mystery, how could it become a clear plan?
*If you feel lost, how could you feel found?

Whenever you don't know, ask how you could find out. Or write down a huge question and break it into smaller chunks, and answer those.

If you continue asking and answering questions in this way (perhaps hundreds of times), you WILL definitely get to your end result! :) Give it a try.

This is a LOT of what I do as a coach! But you can learn to do this for yourself. It's not as easy as having your own coach, just as it's easier to get ripped with a personal trainer, but you can also life your own weights.

Note: The pitfall here is that it's easy to get hung up on "But I don't know!!" and get frustrated and stop. When this happens take a breath. And then ask "What am I missing?" It might be knowledge, a connection, a solution, etc. Then ask, "How can I learn/find/discover that?" OR "How can I do it a totally different way that's easier?"

Good luck on your goals everyone!! :)

-Julie

A Child Waiting for a Candy Bar

How You're Being Manipulated to Stay in a Bad Relationship

"She's hurt from her last relationship -- how long should I wait around for her to commit to me?"
"He says we're just friends, but maybe someday that will change."
"She doesn't love me yet, but she said to be patient."
"He's still married, but doesn't even share a bed with her -- he really loves me...I think."
"He won't marry me yet, but it's only been two years. My friends say to 'give it time."
"He wants to move in, but he won't call me his girlfriend."

In relationships, there often comes an unequal situation. One person crazy in love with the other, and the other, not so much. But maybe SOMEDAY! Yes, SOMEDAY things will be perfect! They really come around after (problems magically dissolve). Then it will be FANTASTIC!

I'm writing this about relationships, but these same concepts can be applied to any situation -- career, friendship, or otherwise. Be careful about people stringing you along in any area.

The problem is, this keeps both people from being happy. One is wanting more from the relationship, and the other wants to put on the brakes. It's better for both people to just walk away -- the world is FULL of right matches, new possibilities, and things that are meant to be -- but you can't allow what's meant to be to find you, if you're allowing Mr./Mrs. Right Now to occupy your time.

Often, for the person who is less interested, the situation is appealing. They can get all of the great rewards of love -- romance, intimacy, friendship, companionship, emotional support, financial help -- without giving commitment (or much else) in return.

This is an unequal situation. It leaves the person who cares more waiting, and waiting...as they grow more attached, assuming that eventually, it will magically get better.
If it's not GOOD NOW, it will NOT GET GOOD LATER.

Your mantra should be "Give me the minimum of what I need, or get out."

This is basic self-respect. But it's hard to live by when you are thinking things like "There's no one else out there," or "No one else is going to care about me," or "It's so hard to find anyone I like -- it's been (X amount of time) since I've liked anyone," or "No one else is as cute/smart/hot, etc." or "No one else will love me, so this is the best I an do." I PROMISE YOU, THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF BETTER PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET. A BETTER, AWESOME PERSON WILL LOVE YOU -- UNLIKE THIS LOSER.
People often ask, "Why doesn't this person just leave if they're not loved/haven't gotten commitment?" It's clear their partner isn't really in it for the long haul. Why stick around?

There are several reasons for not leaving. THIS IS HOW YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED BY A LOSER TO STAY, EVEN THOUGH THEY DON'T REALLY LOVE YOU OR WANT TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED/WANT.

1) THE SLOT MACHINE FALLACY -- For one thing, what we invest in, we want to keep -- even if that thing is crap. We have just poured our life savings into this slot machine, do you think we're going to just get up and walk away? We invest all kinds of things: emotions, we disclose our innermost thoughts and feelings, we listen to theirs, we pay for dates, we pay for clothing/getting ready for dates, we work to ensure the conversation is flowing, we are physically affectionate, we invest our valuable time is seeing this person -- after investing so much, it's difficult to cut those loses and walk.

2) THE LOVE IS PATIENT FALLACY -- There is an idea that love should be patient and endure -- even if that means sacrificing your own self-respect, needs and wants. This works well with all of those chemicals flooding your brain, telling you to stay because the feeling of love feels great. Why would you want to give up this great feeling of love?

3) THE CANDY BAR FALLACY -- There is also the lure of the "candy bar." This is like telling a child "be good, and later, you MIGHT get a candy bar!" That child will do almost anything for that candy bar. They'll think of nothing else. And if they don't get it? After a meltdown, they'll return to a single-minded focus on attaining that candy bar. In this focused state, they don't realize that ANOTHER PERSON may give them what they want IMMEDIATELY -- that candy bar -- without even a fight. A kind person somewhere will recognize that the child wants a treat, and give it to them, WITHOUT them having to complete an obstacle course or wait all day. Love should show up and be giving from DAY ONE. You don't need to wait until "someday." If you're waiting, you've fallen victim to the candy bar fallacy.

4) THE LOVE MUST BE EARNED FALLACY -- So many of us have been raised to think we need to EARN these rewards. "We'll see." and "Maybe later," and "Maybe if you're good you'll get that." This is a way parents control their children, but it's NOT love. Love is not earned. It is given from the start. If you feel entitled to love because you have paid for all of the dinners, or did your make-up perfectly and laughed at the right jokes, this simply isn't the case -- but it's understandable since we're raised with a "maybe if you're good" mentality. No matter WHAT you do, you can never EARN love. It's given from the start, or it's not. If you're not getting what you want, WALK.

5) THE "SOMEDAY" FALLACY -- This is common. Someone (who has no real intention of wanting to be with you) will tell you things like "I'm kinda messed up right now, but someday I might want a relationship with you." Or "be patient" or anything else that speaks of "not now, but maybe someday." Maybe they're "hurt from a divorce" or "confused" or "focusing on their work" or whatever other EXCUSE they give you. How fun is it to wait for a bus that might never show up? How about you walk away from that stop, and take a good walk home. If they want to come back and give you want you want later -- perhaps someday -- then that's fine. If you feel like taking them back "someday," then at that point, after they agree to you need from a relationship, then consider it. Otherwise, forget that flaky might-show-up bus and WALK.

5) THE "THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO" FALLACY -- This may be explicitly spoken, or implied. If they're sending you the message that "you're not that great, but I am a great catch, so you should hang around," or "you don't have to be one of those people with a perfect relationship" or "marriage is for losers" or "you should be happy with the crumbs they give you, because you're not really that great" then realize you're being manipulated. The right person WILL think YOU REALLY ARE that great. Don't you deserve someone who finds you to be hot, smart, and awesome? Versus someone who thinks you're "eh, they're ok."

Don't waste your valuable time on the planet with people who don't see your worth, or else you might to start to be blind to your strengths as well.

Don't you deserve better? Is your relationship making you feel safe, secure, and giving you all you need? Emotional intimacy, enough physical affection, a feeling of love and stability, commitment and safety (knowing this person won't cheat on you or flirt w/ your friends?). If not, GET OUT.

If someone is making you feel like a child desperately waiting for a candy bar, then know the truth...

THE TRUTH:

1) A SLOT MACHINE THAT ATE YOUR MONEY, WILL NEVER PAY OUT. Yes it will hurt to leave the casino with pockets empty, but sometimes that's how it goes. Feel the pain, and leave. Kick that bastard slot machine if you must, but don't be the loser who waits for a prize they will never get.

2) LOVE IS LOVE. People who fall in love typically do so within 3-6 weeks. If this hasn't happened, something is not progressing normally. Whether they are hung-up on an ex, not emotionally available, physically or mentally ill, or otherwise screwed up -- it's really not your problem. You deserve to be LOVED. Right away you should feel the beginnings of love, with good will towards one another and a feeling of safety. If you aren't feeling that way, chances are good it will not develop.

3) IF SOMEONE IS LURING YOU WITH A CANDY BAR...Then realize you have numerous options here. You can get your OWN candy bar, as you're an adult. Others can buy you a gift of a candy bar. Why would you wait for a candy bar from someone who is stingy and not likely to buy you one? Isn't it better to give up on a useless person who won't care about your needs, and find a giving/kind person who is concerned about you? Who will freely, from the start, give to you? Step out from this controlling situation and go find your OWN candy. There is plenty out there, and plenty of people who WANT to give it to you, so step out from this trap.

4) LOVE IS NEVER EARNED. If you feel that you are "earning it" it is not love. You don't need to be or look perfect to be loved. If you feel you need to be perfect or look perfect, you're not being loved. Find someone who loves you flaws and all. It's the least you deserve as a human on the planet, no matter what your past experience has taught you. This is a universal truth.

5) SOMEDAY MEANS NEVER. If you feel yourself hanging on to "someday" or "I'll give it X amount of time" then that's a clue to walk. Someday means never. If you ever do get this person to commit, it will likely result in a bad relationship or divorce (since they are not enthusiastic about moving forward, they are not meeting you half-way). Dragging along dead weight sounds like a blast, doesn't it? Cut your loses. Someday means never.

A big clue that something is up with your relationship is if you often feel anxious, confused, or like you can't quite pin this person down. If they seem hot/cold, if they send you mixed messages (such as actions and words that don't match), then this is NOT a good situation for you. You deserve the calmness from knowing with CLARITY that someone is the right person for YOU and vice versa. Love is one of the greatest gifts of being alive and on the planet. Don't waste your love, or your life or time, on someone who doesn't completely, totally, always, LOVE you back.

It's NOT your job to fix anything, earn anything, or wait for anything, when it comes to love. You're walking in a similar direction and are just a good, solid, compatible fit, or you're not. It says nothing about YOU as a person. Some people fit, and some just don't.

WALK. You might be sad for a short time, but you'll be HAPPY to keep your self-respect and self esteem. This will boost your confidence and make it easier to find the right person.

And yes, this applies EVEN in New York! ESPECIALLY in New York. Having self-respect will make you STAND out from the rest in this crowd.

4 Hurdles for Transitioning From a "Regular Job" to Entrepreneurship

Becoming an overnight entrepreneur? Easier said than done -- a lifetime of structure (from education to the corporate world) can make it difficult to fly off on your own. But it can be done!

Can I sharpen my pencil now? Do you remember asking your grade school teacher this question, as you anxiously awaited the answer with that broken lead staring at you. Then, it's asking your boss for vacation, or awaiting your next project. But what happens when YOU are the person who not only asks, but answers?

What happens are a lot of hurdles that will set you back. These things are certain to, at one time or another, really bother you. Knowing is half the battle, and understanding that every other entrepreneur has dealt with these same problems is reassuring.

What are the hurdles for a person who has always had the structure of a regular, corporate job, to switch to the unstructured and unknown world of entrepreneurship? There are many, but here are the top 2. 

1) Losing status/social approval of having a "full-time regular job"
Many people in your life may question your new venture, and encourage you to just get a job. You'll need to build yourself a new foundation of strength, no longer finding your confidence from your job title or paycheck alone -- many businesses (even successful ones) do not make a profit in the first year. You'll need to learn to cope with that, and feel confident despite what the numbers show.

2) Uncertainty
Worker bees are cushioned from the constant risk and uncertainty of business, and feel a false sense of security. Entrepreneurs are on the front lines of a constantly changing environment. New coping skills are needed, including detaching from the outcome, and learning techniques to manage emotions and anxiety that arise in high-risk situations. These are skills that can be learned, but it's a vastly different "mindset" than that of the worker bee, and it's a habit of thinking that needs to be learned.

3) Dealing with failure/rejection
Worker bees are protected from failure, because numerous workers, vendors, bosses and others share responsibility over the success of a project -- to bolster morale, some bosses may even shield their workers from a failure, and the worker doesn't even know the project flopped, as they happily plug away. For a solo entrepreneur, if you fail, it all falls on you. And you know every gory detail of what went wrong! You'll need to learn approaches for boosting your confidence, and realizing that a failure or mistake doesn't mean that YOU are a failure or a mistake -- all entrepreneurs will fail at times. It comes with the territory.

4) Learning to create your own schedule
After a lifetime of adapting to the boss's schedule, and before that, your classroom schedule, you now have complete power over planning your day -- new entrepreneurs usually have no idea how to make these decisions. Entrepreneurs need to learn how to be internally, not externally, motivated. This means creating a daily schedule and sticking to it, even when you'd rather watch TV all day -- and knowing that a boss will not keep you in line. You must learn to manage yourself, as your own boss. This means giving yourself incentives, rewards and punishments, just as an employer would. You also need to build in social time, including networking with others in your industry -- just as you would in an office -- if you are working solo.

Being aware of the above pitfalls is vital. There are learned techniques for overcoming them. Working one-on-one with a coach, over the phone, or preferably in person, will help you build your foundation of strength to step into your new role as an entrepreneur. For weekly rates, email yourdreamslifecoach@gmail.com, or fill out the contact form at yourdreamslifecoach.com.

Entrepreneurs, are you a Visionary or a Doer?

Entrepreneurs, or those who want to be, fall into two categories -- the visionaries who are constantly flooded with new ideas and the doers who take action easily and put ideas into place. Either type can find success as an entrepreneur.

VISIONARIES are big picture idea people, insightful, and might miss what's right in front of them (and walk right into a wall) because they are immersed in a theory or long-term plan or idea. They see how ideas fit together, and can easily imagine a completed plan down the road. It's easy for them to see "what needs to be done," but harder for them to...actually do it!

This strength with the big picture means a weakness for taking action. First, it can be much more fun to think up new, fun ideas or solutions, versus implementing them. Second, taking repetitive action -- like knocking on doors or cold calling -- can be boring. Third, action can feel overwhelming for the big-picture visionary to even stop and consider taking action, because they're distracted by their latest invention or idea to bother noticing if they matched -- a mind already full of ideas struggles with "how to take action to implement this idea." 

To remedy this, visionaries can hone their action skills -- by learning to first brainstorm what actions are needed, then making action plans, and eventually working up to a full day of action tasks. This means learning to notice and value those small, often boring, details. Or, giving these actions tasks to someone who gives a damn -- such as partnering with others or hiring employees to do the door-knocking.


DOERS are present-moment people. They live in what's going on today, and in this moment. Action is easy for these types and they excel at it. "Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it." This means that knocking on doors or attacking any goal excites them. With each new door, they feel a growing sense of accomplishment. They can tangibly experience their results, which feels exciting to them.

On the flip side, theory is a bit boring to these people -- why bother with a theory when I'll just deal with what's right in front of me? And they are excellent at dealing with these present-moment situations. They literally are firefighters -- the majority of jobs like firefighters really require someone to be tuned-in to what's going on around them, in that present moment. Figuratively, they are also the "fire-fighters" of offices and businesses who enjoy jumping into a crisis to dissect all of those nitty gritty details, until the problem is solved.

To deal with the "theory is boring" issue, doers can partner with visionaries to work on businesses together, or they can hire a visionary as a consultant to help them build a future vision for their work. Answering the question "what needs to be done" will allow doers to jump into that fire-fighting and attain that sense of accomplishment of completing tasks.

So, we are all leaning more towards being a visionary or a doer. Working on honing your weaknesses can help, or you can simply work with other people who compliment with your strengths.