My new book -- not your typical Life Coaching book!

I've written a new, short, fun book for my clients (and future ones). I've aimed this book at readers who are a bit -- frustrated -- to say the least! Many of my clients come to me at a point of having tried everything and feeling like the world is against them. That is specifically who I have written this book for.

The book is called How to Survive in Life When You're Not a Bastard, Thrive in Life, Career, and Relationships while Navigating Past Soul-Sucking Leeches.

If you're just a teensy bit bitter but still want to remain positive, this is a great read for you.

I'm working on a longer second book that explains my coaching process -- it will be a much more traditional self-development read. It will include the approaches and exercises I've found to be the most beneficial for my clients, so readers can essentially coach themselves.

For instant download, you can purchase the $11 book here: http://store.payloadz.com/go?id=195164

http://www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

Find out more about Life Coaching. I'm a NYC Certified Life Coach serving professional, ambitious clients. 

My obsession...Socionics!

For the past 3+ years, I've been absolutely obsessed with a personality type theory that hasn't quite hit the US yet. It's called Socionics and the reason that I've been so obsessed is -- it works. I've found it more useful than just about anything else I've ever learned -- it's up there with arithmetic and the alphabet to me -- and stranger than that, no one else has heard of this, especially when it's so incredibly useful.

I get very passionate about this topic, so please excuse any tangents or rambling. It's hard for me to contain and there is a lot to say.

For of all, ancient personality theory started with Hippocrates in the late 5th century BC -- of course, there were probably other ideas as well, but his were most popular. He introduced the 4 basic types of Sanguine, Choloric, Melancholoic, and Phlegmatic -- he based them on parts of the body such as blood, phlem, etc. and attributed traits like mood to these physical things. He was basically a medical guy. These categories later took on more psychological meaning as others added their two cents.

• sanguine -- a people-oriented, impulsive, fast person with rapidly changing responses (later called "popular")
  
• phlegmatic -- more easy-going and slower-paced person (later called "peaceful")
  
• choleric -- confident, aggressive person who gets results (later called "powerful)
• melancholic -- task-focused and slower-paced (later called "perfectionist"
  

Then there was Carl Gustav Jung, a Swiss psychatrist who spoke about personality types first in 1913, followed by Myers-Briggs -- a mother-daughter team (Katharine Cook Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs-Myers) -- who took Jung and other's ideas and created the Myers-Briggs instrument. Most recently, Socionics was created by a Lithuanian woman named Ausra Augustinaviciute.

Unlike Myers-Briggs, this theory can predict who will get along with whom and what the resulting relationship of putting two people together will be. It also explains how we structure our lives, what our greatest strengths are, and how we process information. It does this in a different way that Myers-Briggs, and builds on those previous theories.

It's fascinating because once you understand just a bit of it, you can apply it immediately and see the results. It astounds me that no one I know has heard of this -- for the last 3 years that is, I haven't met a single person who has heard of Socionics, only Myers-Briggs.

There is a very, very small online community of people in the US who discuss this, but for the most part, us Americans have only heard of that "Myers-Briggs" thing. Socionics looks similar to it on the surface, but the theory is much more complex and it matches people together correctly for the most compatible relationships -- in my opinion. This means less conflict in friendships, work relationships, marriages. That means more happiness for people who no longer have to argue all day and suddenly have more time to fulfill life passions -- and compatible people to support them as they venture off towards new goals.

I know this theory WORKS because I have literally typed hundreds of people -- from co-workers at several companies, to all of my ex-boyfriends and dates, to friends, family members, and so on. And just as predicted, no matter how enthusiastic I went into a relationship, Socionics, in the end, always explained the outcome. I even argued against Socionics several times initially, insisting that any two healthy types can form a great relationship -- only to watch the relationship fall apart many months later.

It has explained not only relationships, but the dynamics of different social groups (quadras), and why you might not feel comfortable around certain types of groups and be at home in others. It explains why some types of thinking seem foreign to you, and some types of emotional expression seem wrong, while others seem right -- and this is all subjective based on the type you're viewing the world from.

I use some of the general ideas in Socionics several times a day -- from understanding why that "annoying" person over there even has friends (because their relationship to one another is compatible, where as mine to theirs is not), to understanding why someone is explaining something in a way that seems so wrong to me (their thinking process is focused on universal systems, where as mine prefers case-by-case assessments, and that makes them appear sterotypical and closed minded to me, where as they think I'm missing the point), etc.

I very quickly notice if someone is living in the present-moment and creating a comfortable environment, versus bouncing out-there ideas off the walls. This makes it easier to understand why I'm having to listen to the fine detail of what color of polka dots were on an umbrella, when I prefer to get the general idea of it and quickly find out what it means in a universal way -- are dots a new fashion trend? To a present-moment physical environment person it doesn't matter -- the dots and their color matter because they were there and they saw them, end of story.

In addition, with my clients, I find this theory to be useful. I find out the personality types of my Life Coaching clients and their preferences. This helps me not only relate better to them and understand them more so that my coaching is more effective -- but also to help them find the most compatible work and relationships.

I think the biggest barrier so far has been the incorrect idea that Socionics and MBTI are the same thing. If people actually understood the far-reaching positive ways Socionics could be used to improve and understand each other, as well as finding more compatible relationships and satisfying work, I think it would be very, very big in the US as well as the countries where it is currently popular -- such as in Russia and some parts of Europe. Most of the Socionics materials available are machine translated from Russian and very hard for English speakers to read. Though, some kind people online who speak Russian do sometimes translate articles for our American audience.

I really don't think there's any stopping it. Give it 20 years for the MBTI to be overturned -- Socionics takes it a huge step forward.

http://www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

Find out more about Life Coaching. I'm a NYC Certified Life Coach serving professional, ambitious clients. 

Podcast of my article...

Listen to my article read by Cultivate Life magazine on this podcast -- click here. :)

http://media.dailysplice.com/Metamorphosis-podcast/episode-245502

Firstly today, Julie Melillo discusses the current economic problems and how best we can face our fears. Then Kathleen Kennedy looks at the opposite dimension to economic bad times and asks how we can go beyond ourselves to get where we really want to be.... abundant, joyful, and healthy. And finally this week, Esther Andrews examines the pros and cons of the Waldorf Education Method. Our future success depends on the way we bring up our children - it's essential we provide 'education with a soul.' For full texts of this week's magazine, plus details of the authors, go to the Cultivate Life! site online, in the November18th, 2008 issue. The URL is - http://www.trans4mind.com/news/nov08-3.html Freely subscribe here - http://www.trans4mind.com/news/ Music by John Ferrante - http://www.myspace.com/ferranteguitar

http://www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

Find out more about Life Coaching. I'm a NYC Certified Life Coach serving professional, ambitious clients. 

Stages of the Success Process -- and where we all get stuck

The process of success is similar to the process of grief. We all accept that a grieving person will go through many stages including numbness, denial, anger, sadness, etc. We also have heard that each individual goes through this process differently, and some people get "stuck" at various stages and are unable to move forward. Often, a person will move forward and then revert back. The SAME is true of the success process.

Just as some people become stuck in the guilt phase of grief, and remain there for decades, others are stuck in various phases of the success process. Which phase are you stuck in? The purpose of coaching is to bring us along in this process, because we all get stuck at various points. All humans give up, even successful ones. But successful people do eventually get back up after falling -- some faster than others. There is no good and bad here. It just depends how much time you have and how long you'd like to wait before you create your new life -- it is all your choice.

We all achieve success differently. Our "here" starting points are as different as our "there" dream endpoints. The forest we must walk alone through is also unique, with challenges and battles designed specifically for us, as we must be prepared differently depending on what kind of dreams we have.

Let me outline a few steps in the success process. Just like the grief process, individuals may skip stages and the order may change, and we all get stuck in various points before we are willing to move on.

The Success Process Stages:
Keep in mind, each stage may last a day or two, a year, a decade, or sometimes, a lifetime. It is possible to become stuck in any stage.

• A sad feeling -- this is a realization that our life, as it is, is no longer enough. It may feel intense, or like numbness, longing, boredom, depression, anxiety or possibly just a whisper that something else may be out there. These emotions are spurring you on to take action, and therefore these "bad" emotions are a good thing!
  
• Denial -- here we have the status quo. "Why change?" "Everyone else does it this way!" "Your job isn't so bad!" "It's simply NOT possible!" "The economy sucks -- it doesn't make sense to make changes now!" "I'm too young to try that!" "I'm too old to do that!" "Fill in the blank with your favorite excuse."
• Curiosity -- now is the time you notice something new. You're slightly open to new possibilities, though not ready yet to change. You may see someone with what you want and feel jealous, read different books or notice unusual things in your day. While open, you are still critical and cautious. It's easy to switch back and forth between denial and curiosity.
• Possibilities -- here you begin to notice what is possible for you. You may feel excited, warm and fuzzy or glow with the idea of what is to come! While visualizing this, it feels like bliss. But after you're done picturing, you wonder if it's possible or not. If only you were good enough, maybe you could achieve such wonderful things! You are not ready, but the dream life sure sounds lovely!
• Excited for action -- now you are beginning to feel excited to take action. What can I do to make this happen for real now? I'm tired of failure and I want to live my new life! You are now motivation to make big changes, but when you actually take action, you quickly lose steam. Motivation comes and goes. Your beliefs trick you and hold you back. Your positive thinking is only effective about half the time. The positivity feels fake.
• Initial action (1)-- this first try at action is exciting! It feels like it's possible! But yet, you find you don't have nearly as much motivation as you thought you did...why is that? Do you not have what it takes? Why didn't it succeed!?
  
• Identifying fear -- now that you can see how you failed slightly in your first stab at creating a new life, it's easy to single out why. Which beliefs held you back? Which skills do you not have yet? Which fears are the ones preventing you from finding, learning or doing what you need to making change? Which beliefs are there, and are they true? Your worst fears are either not true, or can be faced and worked around.
  
• Facing fear -- now the natural bravery, that all humans have in their DNA comes to action. Allowing us to face the fears we have and look it straight in the eyes. We want to reach our goal and these pesky fears are in the way! Get outa the way fear! This is where we commit to taking action, despite feeling shaky and lacking in confidence.
• Taking second action (2)-- we now take action again, building on what we learned the first time. Stronger from facing fear, you'll notice you feel slightly more confident, though you are still shaky. You're wanting this more badly, and also doubting yourself more. More and more fears seem to be coming to the surface -- and this feels like such a bad thing! Shouldn't this be easier? Where is the "easy" button? Should you give up now? Maybe your old life wasn't so bad?
• Facing fear again -- once again, fears that came up during or before the actions are listed, discussed and faced. That forest is walked through. You are growing stronger now, and a force seems to be motivating you and pushing you that is bigger than yourself.
  
• Repeat last two stages -- more actions are taken, and more fears are faced. The actions bring hidden fears to the surface where they are dealt with and released. Actions also bring you closer to achievement, but the first several actions will be thousands times harder than future ones, because you are still building the foundation of your belief in yourself. Once this is firmly built, future actions will be far easier. You will have many more fears to deal with up-front, than you will as you progress -- you are purging yourself of these built up negative beliefs that allowed you to stay in enertia in the past.
  
• Celebrating small successes -- you now have much to celebrate! First, you've faced many fears you didn't know you had! This feels as good as exercising muscles you didn't know existed! You'll feel a tinge of pride and happiness at what you've seen yourself do. Plus, you've taken action in the face of your own fear! You've done it anyway. Whatever negative beliefs you had about yourself cannot stand up to the power of watching yourself take action! Your self concept will now be slightly different.
• Large fears -- as you note yourself making real progress, you now fear larger things. Who are you if you become someone new? Will your friends and family still relate to you? What will you give up if you make this success real? Is the price too high? Are you the sort of person who deserves this success? Should you give up and play small? Maybe stagnation wasn't so bad? Maybe success will be more of a pain than anything? Perhaps failure could cost you more than you had considered?
• Rise of something bigger -- now something bigger steps in. It's not motivation, but passion. It reminds you in whispers, in inclinations, in dreams, in things you notice, in hunches, in moments of excitement, it reminds you what is meant for you. You can really see yourself doing this now, despite the pain and the fear. They seem small in comparison to what you are building. It feels good, real and authentic to build your new dream life, piece by piece. You want to chart out long-term plans with this. You feel a commitment growing, hope increasing, and a steady belief being born in you that this is not only possible, it already exists. It feels firm in your heart, soul, mind and intellect. You feel resonance.
  
• The plan -- here you chart a longer-term plan for your new life and it suddenly doesn't seem as scary. It's starting to feel like home. You've dealt with and faced the big fears and thoughts and now you're in maintenance mode. New fears arise, but your foundation in yourself is so strong that you find confidence comes to you easily. You pride yourself on your daily accomplishments and feel really good about yourself! Your actions, thoughts, beliefs and loves in life ALL match! This is who you were meant to be! You still have new fears daily, but you take action anyway. You may revert back to earlier stages, but you now know how to identify fears that come up from doing actions, deal with and face them, create a new positive belief, and take action even if you don't feel 100% confident -- and surprisingly, you're starting to feel 100% confident!
• Ahhhhh -- this is where you simply feel good. Everything has come together. You are almost through the forest and see light up ahead and boy is the sun beautiful! Your plan and daily actions have become habit, but you're creatively looking for new ways to grow as well. Growth isn't as painful now, because you see it's the whole point of being alive. You're willing to be a mature adult and deal with ups, downs, sadness, joy and fear -- and face them all. Moving forward doesn't feel like a strugle. You have momentum. Others pick up on your excitement, new confidence, joy and sense of accomplishment and they want to be a part of it! The right people are drawn to you. Success and money seem to flow to you more easily than they ever did in the past. You're starting to feel lucky!
• Peace -- now you feel at peace. You've discovered yourself in a deep way and now have greater insight into your strengths. You understand how you react to things, what your fears tend to be like, what your emotions feel like (and how to face, learn from and move on from any negative emotion). You've succeeded many times and these moments stand out to you. You've had set backs, moments of being stuck and failures, but that doesn't matter now -- it's all part of the process. You feel like a good person who has accomplished a lot so far. You feel resonance with your entire life. Celebration feels natural. You've found your loves in life, both in your career and personal life. You feel complete, even when alone. Spending time alone is no longer frightening or a chore. You enjoy it, because you understand yourself. Calmness comes naturally to you and balance finds you. Everything you want is flowing to you with momentum, and you trust in yourself to handing anything that comes up. Your intuition and hunches are strong and guide you. You have become courageous, confident and strong enough to fight for th life you are meant to lead. You have become yourself, and the people in your life love you just as you are. Setting bigger goals is no problem now -- you've done it before and faced the scariest fears of your life. You've walked through the dark forest. And now, it's all hills, some mountains, but it's all out in the light, where you know how to overcome, deal, and trust. Enjoy the journey, celebrate the finish.

http://www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

Find out more about Life Coaching. I'm a NYC Certified Life Coach serving professional, ambitious clients. 

The only way from here to there, is through it...

You are here, wherever "here" is to you. Maybe it's a real location, a state of mind, a financial situation, a relationship, a job you plan to show up at tomorrow, a belief in what is possible for you (or not possible. You are here, right now, with everything that entails.

And then, in the future is "there." It's bright and shiny and doesn't quite feel like home yet. Do you deserve it? How can you earn it? Is it possible?

There is no instant way from here to there, and this is where the lies of self development set in. Visualizing your success alone, will not bring it. Repeating mantras or affirmations or positive thoughts alone, will not bring it -- and let me clarify that doing these things does help, but alone, it will not be the answer any more than eating one orange will cause someone to lose 100 pounds -- it is part of the solution, but not the entire solution.

To get from here to there requires going "through it." This is the only way for the results to not be temporary, but to take deep root. You must walk a long way, alone, through a dark forest and face all of your fears, tackle all of your challenges, perhaps fail a few times, perhaps lose some friends along the way, but also gain your most important confidants, advisers and loves -- and after this, you gain your courage and your self. This is your foundation and it is built not on outside things, but on yourself. Once you have found your foundation in yourself, you can then easily achieve.

When you earn a new life, nothing about it feels phony or wrong or overly shiny. When you've fought every battle, the rewards are sweet.

The combination of things you will need to accomplish is a long list. It cannot be done in a day. Results are seen quickly, just like an overweight person will notice how different they feel after one workout! But lasting results are only achieved by surrendering to the process of success, and letting it unfold as it chooses. The battles you will face are not yours to pick, but the strengthening of your body, intellect, soul and heart is under your control.

Getting from here to there is a process the requires hard work, but it's not as difficult as it sounds. The work, when faced head on, is much easier than when it is avoided out of fear. It is not as scary as it seems now.

http://www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

Find out more about Life Coaching. I'm a NYC Certified Life Coach serving professional, ambitious clients.