Let go of the outcome
When you hold tightly to the outcome and identify with it, your ego gets caught up in the experience, and FEAR becomes a bigger problem than it needs to be.
1) I'll take this action
2) If it's a good result, I'm a great person! If it's a bad result, I'm a looser.
How common is this thinking? It's pretty much the way society teaches us to think.
However, the result of this way of thinking, is that it prevents you from doing NEW things or taking the actions you need to take. It keeps you stuck in a place where anything new is to be feared, because it's an opportunity to fail (and in your own mind, become a "looser.")
For most people who don't take a lot of new risks, it's not much of a problem. For people who are suddenly faced with NEEDING to take many risks, entrepreneurs, CEOs, new singles on the dating scene, job seekers, or even a person looking to make new friends -- or anyone thrown into new waters, it makes it a HUGE risk to try ANYTHING new, because it could end in "failure."
I put failure in quotes because it's a subjective term. You simply have an action and an outcome. You choose whether to name that outcome a success or a failure.
You're learning to ski and fall. Is that a failure or a success? It could be seen as either: a failure because you fell, a success because you are learning and falling is essential to the process, and by having fallen you've already achieved a higher level of knowledge already.
You get to choose how you view the outcome.
However, by detaching yourself from it, and not labeling it as "bad" or "good," you won't label yourself either. Don't define yourself by your outcomes, bad or good.
Easier said than done.
How many of us do define ourselves by our successes and failures? I'm GOOD because I make X amount of money per year, I have a nice car, I'm in good shape, etc. I'm BAD because I got rejected, my date hated me, my client said no, etc.
This way of thinking is a trap. You will ALWAYS have both good and bad outcomes, regardless of how "perfectly" you do things. Someone will hate you, you will be rejected at times, people will be mean or unfair to you, you won't always get what you deserve every time.
And that has nothing to do with you. Some people are just jerks or having a bad day or maybe you remind them of someone they dislike. Perhaps you look just like their ex-girlfriend's new guy friend. You just never know.
And to worry yourself with all of this means you are preventing your own success and happiness -- you know that logically.
How to change your thinking to let go of the outcome:
So draw a line.
1) This is my effort -- I own it. I'll do my absolute best here. Take the action, and then step away.
2) This is the result. It's not mine. It has very little to do with me.
3) While the results are forming, I'll step away, way over here, and start working on an other task -- because really, I don't care what happens since it has nothing to do with me. Say to yourself, I've dropped my raffle tickets into the bin, and now I'm leaving this party.
4) Once you get the outcome, celebrate, or not, but DO feel it. But know it actually has nothing to do with you, really.
5) This is where you can analyze the part you played in the process. See if you'd like to change anything, improve anything, etc. But do this in a logical way without blame. You may need to test your approach many times before you can determine whether you need to change your approach or not.
So an example:
1) Mike works really hard preparing for a first date. He works out, dresses great, gets enough sleep, picks a great little bar in the Lower East Side. He calls, makes the date, shows up on time. He makes great conversation and basically just does a great job. While leaving, he asks her if she wants to hang out Wednesday. She says maybe. Call me and we'll see. He has now completed his effort and needs to "step away."
2) Mike has now completed his effort portion and is now awaiting his result. When he calls her, he won't know if she'll say yes or not. Mike could get all flustered and freaked out and not even call. Or he could call and sound nervous, or leave way too many voicemail messages like the guy in Swingers did.
Instead, Mike follows step #2 and tells himself this: This is the result. It's not mine. It has very little to do with me. He calls and leaves a message.
3) Now, Mike tells himself this "While the results are forming, I'll step away, way over here, and start working on an other task -- because really, I don't care what happens since it has nothing to do with me. Say to yourself, I've dropped my raffle tickets into the bin, and now I'm leaving this party." He gets busy with planning the rest of his weekend and decides to go to the gym.
4) He's so caught up in this, he doesn't even notice he's just gotten a text from her. The text says "awesome! Let's get together!" Or it says "You're so nice, but not for me." Mike feels either happy or sad. But either way he feels some distance from the result and thinks "hmm that's interesting." But he knows that her choice in going out with him (the outcome) doesn't really have that much to do with him. It has MUCH more to do, obviously, with HER. And what she wants.
5) This is where Mike analyzes what's happened. After he calms down, he will logically look at the part he played and the aspects that he OWNS. Step 1 ONLY. He will take a good look at what has worked, and what hasn't and see if there's anything to be improved. There may not be, or there might be -- but be careful to decide until you've tested your #1 approach several times in many situations.
It's completely possible that Mike's #1 rocked (or didn't), and other factors led to the outcome. Let's say this girl actually hated Mike, and he did a TERRIBLE job in #1, but the girl agreed to the date because she was just bored and had to get out of the house! Or, let's say Mike did an AMAZING job in #1, but the girl is actually in love with her ex and thinking of moving across the country and surprising him. Neither have a thing to do with Mike, and neither are in his control. But he won't know any of this while awaiting his outcome.
In life, we just never know what is going on outside of our own control. So we need to let go of that, and just do what you do. Improve what you do, sure. But let go of it when it comes time to get your outcome.
1) I'll take this action
2) If it's a good result, I'm a great person! If it's a bad result, I'm a looser.
How common is this thinking? It's pretty much the way society teaches us to think.
However, the result of this way of thinking, is that it prevents you from doing NEW things or taking the actions you need to take. It keeps you stuck in a place where anything new is to be feared, because it's an opportunity to fail (and in your own mind, become a "looser.")
For most people who don't take a lot of new risks, it's not much of a problem. For people who are suddenly faced with NEEDING to take many risks, entrepreneurs, CEOs, new singles on the dating scene, job seekers, or even a person looking to make new friends -- or anyone thrown into new waters, it makes it a HUGE risk to try ANYTHING new, because it could end in "failure."
I put failure in quotes because it's a subjective term. You simply have an action and an outcome. You choose whether to name that outcome a success or a failure.
You're learning to ski and fall. Is that a failure or a success? It could be seen as either: a failure because you fell, a success because you are learning and falling is essential to the process, and by having fallen you've already achieved a higher level of knowledge already.
You get to choose how you view the outcome.
However, by detaching yourself from it, and not labeling it as "bad" or "good," you won't label yourself either. Don't define yourself by your outcomes, bad or good.
Easier said than done.
How many of us do define ourselves by our successes and failures? I'm GOOD because I make X amount of money per year, I have a nice car, I'm in good shape, etc. I'm BAD because I got rejected, my date hated me, my client said no, etc.
This way of thinking is a trap. You will ALWAYS have both good and bad outcomes, regardless of how "perfectly" you do things. Someone will hate you, you will be rejected at times, people will be mean or unfair to you, you won't always get what you deserve every time.
And that has nothing to do with you. Some people are just jerks or having a bad day or maybe you remind them of someone they dislike. Perhaps you look just like their ex-girlfriend's new guy friend. You just never know.
And to worry yourself with all of this means you are preventing your own success and happiness -- you know that logically.
How to change your thinking to let go of the outcome:
So draw a line.
1) This is my effort -- I own it. I'll do my absolute best here. Take the action, and then step away.
2) This is the result. It's not mine. It has very little to do with me.
3) While the results are forming, I'll step away, way over here, and start working on an other task -- because really, I don't care what happens since it has nothing to do with me. Say to yourself, I've dropped my raffle tickets into the bin, and now I'm leaving this party.
4) Once you get the outcome, celebrate, or not, but DO feel it. But know it actually has nothing to do with you, really.
5) This is where you can analyze the part you played in the process. See if you'd like to change anything, improve anything, etc. But do this in a logical way without blame. You may need to test your approach many times before you can determine whether you need to change your approach or not.
So an example:
1) Mike works really hard preparing for a first date. He works out, dresses great, gets enough sleep, picks a great little bar in the Lower East Side. He calls, makes the date, shows up on time. He makes great conversation and basically just does a great job. While leaving, he asks her if she wants to hang out Wednesday. She says maybe. Call me and we'll see. He has now completed his effort and needs to "step away."
2) Mike has now completed his effort portion and is now awaiting his result. When he calls her, he won't know if she'll say yes or not. Mike could get all flustered and freaked out and not even call. Or he could call and sound nervous, or leave way too many voicemail messages like the guy in Swingers did.
Instead, Mike follows step #2 and tells himself this: This is the result. It's not mine. It has very little to do with me. He calls and leaves a message.
3) Now, Mike tells himself this "While the results are forming, I'll step away, way over here, and start working on an other task -- because really, I don't care what happens since it has nothing to do with me. Say to yourself, I've dropped my raffle tickets into the bin, and now I'm leaving this party." He gets busy with planning the rest of his weekend and decides to go to the gym.
4) He's so caught up in this, he doesn't even notice he's just gotten a text from her. The text says "awesome! Let's get together!" Or it says "You're so nice, but not for me." Mike feels either happy or sad. But either way he feels some distance from the result and thinks "hmm that's interesting." But he knows that her choice in going out with him (the outcome) doesn't really have that much to do with him. It has MUCH more to do, obviously, with HER. And what she wants.
5) This is where Mike analyzes what's happened. After he calms down, he will logically look at the part he played and the aspects that he OWNS. Step 1 ONLY. He will take a good look at what has worked, and what hasn't and see if there's anything to be improved. There may not be, or there might be -- but be careful to decide until you've tested your #1 approach several times in many situations.
It's completely possible that Mike's #1 rocked (or didn't), and other factors led to the outcome. Let's say this girl actually hated Mike, and he did a TERRIBLE job in #1, but the girl agreed to the date because she was just bored and had to get out of the house! Or, let's say Mike did an AMAZING job in #1, but the girl is actually in love with her ex and thinking of moving across the country and surprising him. Neither have a thing to do with Mike, and neither are in his control. But he won't know any of this while awaiting his outcome.
In life, we just never know what is going on outside of our own control. So we need to let go of that, and just do what you do. Improve what you do, sure. But let go of it when it comes time to get your outcome.
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