What other people think -- the power to not care.
Do you know that one of the most common concerns I hear from clients, regardless of whether they are a CEO, entrepreneur, or other successful person, is a concern about what other people think.
*If I start this business, will they think it's a dumb idea?
*If I show confidence, will others feel threatened or jealous?
*If I fail, what will they think?
*What happens if they say no?
*What happens if I get rejected?
We all experience feelings like this when taking new risks, but it is reassuring to know that even the world's most successful and personally attractive people feel that same way you do!
The difference between an extremely successful person and a moderately successful one, is the ability to overcome the human concern of caring what others think.
That said, please note this does mean you still need to act with a conscience and consider others. Obviously, don't do something you think will piss people off, or that you wouldn't want done to you. This blog is addressing a situation where you really feel scared of what other people think, and that is preventing you from doing a positive thing. This is not giving you permission to be a jack ass and then saying "oh well, sorry, I don't care what you think!" So karma, let's not forget it.
Okay, so back to the topic -- let's say there is something positive you'd like to do. But you are scared. Examples -- you want to pitch an idea to a client, ask someone out, give a speech, go on vacation alone, try a new career, make a cold call, start a new business, live an unconventional lifestyle, or improve your life in some way. But you are scared that others will react badly.
So how do you manage this feeling?
1) Care more what YOU think -- your brain can only hold so many ideas at one time. If you are more focused on the question of "What do I really think about this?" There won't be much brain space left to consider other people's opinions. Your opinion is just as if not more valid than other people's, as you are closer to the situation and have the benefit of access to more information. That means, you know best whether your product or service really has a shot. You know your personal strengths, etc.
Next to each worried thought you have, write out the positive, helpful thought you'd prefer.
Example:
- "If I ask for Ted's help, he may say no. Maybe the guy doesn't even like me."
+ "I'm going to ask for Ted's help, and he may say no. I don't really know if he likes me, but I'm a likable guy. However he reacts is his responsibility. My part is only in asking. I'll be comfortable with any reaction I get."
2) Let go of taking responsibility for other people's feelings -- similar to letting go of the outcome (in the previous blog), it is not possible to feel responsible for everyone's feelings and also run a successful business without having serious stress that affects your health.
Sure, you can be concerned about others and their feelings, but you must let go of feeling responsible. If a customer gets upset, or an investor hates your idea, or a date says "no thanks," or a friend can't make it to your big party, you need to learn to let go. Say to yourself "That's interesting. I wonder why they feel that way, but of course, I'll never really know."
The truth is, maybe your customer is having a horrible day, an investor just lost a ton of money on a start-up where the guy looked just like you, a date is on the rebound and having psychological issues and needs some time alone, and your friend is dealing with more than you can imagine, and has no time for a social life.
The fact is, you just don't know. So instead of taking full responsibility for other people's reactions and feelings, say "That's interesting. I wonder what combination of factors resulted in that response?" And then move on.
Giving other people the freedom to have their reactions -- bad or good -- gives you the freedom to have your own. It also gives you ultimate freedom, in that you cannot fail. Even a bad reaction does not mean you did anything wrong.
3) Ask for information -- but what about if it really is your fault? What if you said something that pissed your customer off? When you let go of taking responsibility for other people's feelings, it frees you up to logically look at situations, and see if there was any cause and effect going on. When you're feeling confident, and know for sure what you think (about yourself, your business, your looks, etc.), then you are no longer afraid of other people's feelings -- this gives you the freedom to ASK for information.
Imagine saying to a client "Wow I see you're really upset. Was it something I did or said, or is there something else happening with you right not?"
That's a question you'd be terrified to ask if you nervously were wondering "It must be ME! I'm sure I did something WRONG!"
Instead, by stepping away from feeling responsible, and understanding that everyone is entitled to their own feelings and reactions, you don't have to worry about this or feel bad about it ever again.
This gives you the power and freedom to confront situations head on, with NO fear -- and actually gain more information than you otherwise would. If someone can start sobbing or yelling right in front of you, and you can stay calm and think "That's interesting. I wonder what combo of things caused that to happen?" then you have given yourself the power to do anything, including, the power to ask "Hey man, what's going on? I'd love to hear why you're so angry."
But when we feel responsible, our reaction is defensive, or we flee, or we attack. None of which give us any valuable information, and results in lower confidence for us, more frustration on the part of the other party, and no forward progress for us.
4 Try it) Think of a small risk you normally wouldn't take. It should be something where other people's opinions influence you to the point that it restricts your behavior. Perhaps you're afraid of making a cold call because the reaction might be bad. Or asking the new person in the office to lunch, as they might say no. Go ahead and do the action. Your mind set should be as follows:
Allow other people to have their feelings, without having their feelings be about YOU, or trying to change them. If the cold call ends with the person screaming at you on the other line, allow that. If the co-worker says "You? Lunch? No way!!!" Let that be okay. Don't make it about YOU.
If your girlfriend or boyfriend is angry, let them be angry! Don't try to change it. Instead, try to just let it exist. Let it be there intensely and let it be expressed. You can do that by just watching them calmly with concern in your eyes, or saying "Wow I can see you're furious. You really angry!" And then try repeating some of the things they are telling you back. "So you're mad because you're really busy at work, and then I happened to call you right then? That's correct right?"
Or, "You walked in and saw how messy the kitchen was, and that really pissed you off." Did I get that right?" (Add a question on the end, just in case you didn't hear it correctly).
This is a time to focus on taking a step back and not feeling responsible for their emotion -- sure, maybe it was your day to clean the kitchen and you didn't, or maybe you did call a busy company -- but let go of feeling it's your fault.
Say to yourself, "Okay, they're angry. I get angry too. Everyone does." Then, if you feel curious, ask what's going on with them -- out of curiosity, not out of a feeling of being responsible. Not to try to just find a solution or end the bad feeling.
"Would you tell me why the kitchen thing really made you so mad? I want to understand."
See this statement asks out of curiously, not out of a defensive feeling of being responsible. It could be said with either tone, so make sure you are really feeling curious and not defensive and responsible for their response.
"Would you tell me why calling right now upset you so much? I'd like to understand better."
That lets them tell you the truth. You want the truth, you need the truth, and you are now strong enough to hear it, because the truth is no longer about YOU. It's simply the truth that exists. There is no fear anymore that YOU may be the problem. And even if they say YOU are the problem, it isn't about YOU. It's simply their own feeling, which they are entitled to.
So if they say "I'm so pissed and YOU were suppose to clean the kitchen! I think you're a jerk for not doing it when I needed the help!"
Then you can realize that those feelings are complicated. It's not just about YOU. It's about THEM. Let them have those feelings.
Now that you know the honest truth, you can express your own feeling and truth.
"I'm really sorry I've bothered you at such a bad time. It seems the timing was really horrible today. I would love to contact you when it would be best for you, because I really think you'd like the reason I'm calling after we can talk for a minute. Would it be okay if I call back, and if so when works?"
"Wow I'm so sorry you had such a horrible day. I do my best to keep things clean, but today I had a crazy day also, and I didn't have time to do it. But I will clean it up tomorrow after work. I want you to know that I care, even if there are some days I can't complete everything.
This great communication happened because you allowed the other person to have their feelings, without trying to change them. And you allowed yourself to be entitled to your own feelings and thoughts, and expressed your own truth. Truth is power. People sense when you are NOT speaking the truth, and when you ARE.
5) To sum up, allowing other people to have their own feelings and thoughts, without feeling responsible, allows you the freedom to do ANYTHING you want. That's amazing freedom! It also gives you the power to stay calm, and this enables you to ask the questions you NEED to ask to get down to the truth of a situation -- where otherwise, your response would be too defensive or negative to get a truthful response from the person. Then, having that truth allows you to make small changes if you'd like, to improve situations, and to get closer to others.
Allowing others to feel and think for themselves, and to no longer take responsibility for it, enables you to HAVE THE POWER TO NOT CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK. You can learn it with practice.
This is a rare power to have, in that most people are obsessed with the opinion of others. That gives you the power to act and do whatever you want. You now have given yourself permission to take whatever RISK you'd like, with no fear. It also allows you to focus more on your thoughts and feelings, to really decide what you think. This provides you with the calmness and clear mind you NEED in order to astutely deal with conflict, to understand other people's true feelings, and to ASK the otherwise difficult (if not impossible) questions, such as "WHY? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL/THINK AND WHY, BECAUSE I CARE." Asking that when you fear YOU are the problem is not possible.
Give it a try! I'd love to hear the results.
*If I start this business, will they think it's a dumb idea?
*If I show confidence, will others feel threatened or jealous?
*If I fail, what will they think?
*What happens if they say no?
*What happens if I get rejected?
We all experience feelings like this when taking new risks, but it is reassuring to know that even the world's most successful and personally attractive people feel that same way you do!
The difference between an extremely successful person and a moderately successful one, is the ability to overcome the human concern of caring what others think.
That said, please note this does mean you still need to act with a conscience and consider others. Obviously, don't do something you think will piss people off, or that you wouldn't want done to you. This blog is addressing a situation where you really feel scared of what other people think, and that is preventing you from doing a positive thing. This is not giving you permission to be a jack ass and then saying "oh well, sorry, I don't care what you think!" So karma, let's not forget it.
Okay, so back to the topic -- let's say there is something positive you'd like to do. But you are scared. Examples -- you want to pitch an idea to a client, ask someone out, give a speech, go on vacation alone, try a new career, make a cold call, start a new business, live an unconventional lifestyle, or improve your life in some way. But you are scared that others will react badly.
So how do you manage this feeling?
1) Care more what YOU think -- your brain can only hold so many ideas at one time. If you are more focused on the question of "What do I really think about this?" There won't be much brain space left to consider other people's opinions. Your opinion is just as if not more valid than other people's, as you are closer to the situation and have the benefit of access to more information. That means, you know best whether your product or service really has a shot. You know your personal strengths, etc.
Next to each worried thought you have, write out the positive, helpful thought you'd prefer.
Example:
- "If I ask for Ted's help, he may say no. Maybe the guy doesn't even like me."
+ "I'm going to ask for Ted's help, and he may say no. I don't really know if he likes me, but I'm a likable guy. However he reacts is his responsibility. My part is only in asking. I'll be comfortable with any reaction I get."
2) Let go of taking responsibility for other people's feelings -- similar to letting go of the outcome (in the previous blog), it is not possible to feel responsible for everyone's feelings and also run a successful business without having serious stress that affects your health.
Sure, you can be concerned about others and their feelings, but you must let go of feeling responsible. If a customer gets upset, or an investor hates your idea, or a date says "no thanks," or a friend can't make it to your big party, you need to learn to let go. Say to yourself "That's interesting. I wonder why they feel that way, but of course, I'll never really know."
The truth is, maybe your customer is having a horrible day, an investor just lost a ton of money on a start-up where the guy looked just like you, a date is on the rebound and having psychological issues and needs some time alone, and your friend is dealing with more than you can imagine, and has no time for a social life.
The fact is, you just don't know. So instead of taking full responsibility for other people's reactions and feelings, say "That's interesting. I wonder what combination of factors resulted in that response?" And then move on.
Giving other people the freedom to have their reactions -- bad or good -- gives you the freedom to have your own. It also gives you ultimate freedom, in that you cannot fail. Even a bad reaction does not mean you did anything wrong.
3) Ask for information -- but what about if it really is your fault? What if you said something that pissed your customer off? When you let go of taking responsibility for other people's feelings, it frees you up to logically look at situations, and see if there was any cause and effect going on. When you're feeling confident, and know for sure what you think (about yourself, your business, your looks, etc.), then you are no longer afraid of other people's feelings -- this gives you the freedom to ASK for information.
Imagine saying to a client "Wow I see you're really upset. Was it something I did or said, or is there something else happening with you right not?"
That's a question you'd be terrified to ask if you nervously were wondering "It must be ME! I'm sure I did something WRONG!"
Instead, by stepping away from feeling responsible, and understanding that everyone is entitled to their own feelings and reactions, you don't have to worry about this or feel bad about it ever again.
This gives you the power and freedom to confront situations head on, with NO fear -- and actually gain more information than you otherwise would. If someone can start sobbing or yelling right in front of you, and you can stay calm and think "That's interesting. I wonder what combo of things caused that to happen?" then you have given yourself the power to do anything, including, the power to ask "Hey man, what's going on? I'd love to hear why you're so angry."
But when we feel responsible, our reaction is defensive, or we flee, or we attack. None of which give us any valuable information, and results in lower confidence for us, more frustration on the part of the other party, and no forward progress for us.
4 Try it) Think of a small risk you normally wouldn't take. It should be something where other people's opinions influence you to the point that it restricts your behavior. Perhaps you're afraid of making a cold call because the reaction might be bad. Or asking the new person in the office to lunch, as they might say no. Go ahead and do the action. Your mind set should be as follows:
Allow other people to have their feelings, without having their feelings be about YOU, or trying to change them. If the cold call ends with the person screaming at you on the other line, allow that. If the co-worker says "You? Lunch? No way!!!" Let that be okay. Don't make it about YOU.
If your girlfriend or boyfriend is angry, let them be angry! Don't try to change it. Instead, try to just let it exist. Let it be there intensely and let it be expressed. You can do that by just watching them calmly with concern in your eyes, or saying "Wow I can see you're furious. You really angry!" And then try repeating some of the things they are telling you back. "So you're mad because you're really busy at work, and then I happened to call you right then? That's correct right?"
Or, "You walked in and saw how messy the kitchen was, and that really pissed you off." Did I get that right?" (Add a question on the end, just in case you didn't hear it correctly).
This is a time to focus on taking a step back and not feeling responsible for their emotion -- sure, maybe it was your day to clean the kitchen and you didn't, or maybe you did call a busy company -- but let go of feeling it's your fault.
Say to yourself, "Okay, they're angry. I get angry too. Everyone does." Then, if you feel curious, ask what's going on with them -- out of curiosity, not out of a feeling of being responsible. Not to try to just find a solution or end the bad feeling.
"Would you tell me why the kitchen thing really made you so mad? I want to understand."
See this statement asks out of curiously, not out of a defensive feeling of being responsible. It could be said with either tone, so make sure you are really feeling curious and not defensive and responsible for their response.
"Would you tell me why calling right now upset you so much? I'd like to understand better."
That lets them tell you the truth. You want the truth, you need the truth, and you are now strong enough to hear it, because the truth is no longer about YOU. It's simply the truth that exists. There is no fear anymore that YOU may be the problem. And even if they say YOU are the problem, it isn't about YOU. It's simply their own feeling, which they are entitled to.
So if they say "I'm so pissed and YOU were suppose to clean the kitchen! I think you're a jerk for not doing it when I needed the help!"
Then you can realize that those feelings are complicated. It's not just about YOU. It's about THEM. Let them have those feelings.
Now that you know the honest truth, you can express your own feeling and truth.
"I'm really sorry I've bothered you at such a bad time. It seems the timing was really horrible today. I would love to contact you when it would be best for you, because I really think you'd like the reason I'm calling after we can talk for a minute. Would it be okay if I call back, and if so when works?"
"Wow I'm so sorry you had such a horrible day. I do my best to keep things clean, but today I had a crazy day also, and I didn't have time to do it. But I will clean it up tomorrow after work. I want you to know that I care, even if there are some days I can't complete everything.
This great communication happened because you allowed the other person to have their feelings, without trying to change them. And you allowed yourself to be entitled to your own feelings and thoughts, and expressed your own truth. Truth is power. People sense when you are NOT speaking the truth, and when you ARE.
5) To sum up, allowing other people to have their own feelings and thoughts, without feeling responsible, allows you the freedom to do ANYTHING you want. That's amazing freedom! It also gives you the power to stay calm, and this enables you to ask the questions you NEED to ask to get down to the truth of a situation -- where otherwise, your response would be too defensive or negative to get a truthful response from the person. Then, having that truth allows you to make small changes if you'd like, to improve situations, and to get closer to others.
Allowing others to feel and think for themselves, and to no longer take responsibility for it, enables you to HAVE THE POWER TO NOT CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK. You can learn it with practice.
This is a rare power to have, in that most people are obsessed with the opinion of others. That gives you the power to act and do whatever you want. You now have given yourself permission to take whatever RISK you'd like, with no fear. It also allows you to focus more on your thoughts and feelings, to really decide what you think. This provides you with the calmness and clear mind you NEED in order to astutely deal with conflict, to understand other people's true feelings, and to ASK the otherwise difficult (if not impossible) questions, such as "WHY? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL/THINK AND WHY, BECAUSE I CARE." Asking that when you fear YOU are the problem is not possible.
Give it a try! I'd love to hear the results.
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