For entrepreneurs -- getting past negative thoughts

I notice that a lot of new entrepreneurs are plagued by negative thoughts. As they progress, these old thoughts are overcome by new, more action-oriented thoughts.

Think about what some of your old, negative thoughts were that held you back -- in business, in dating, in any area. How did you overcome those negative thoughts? Did you see the situation in a new way? Decide to take action despite your fears and "do it anyway"? Did you forget the old thought over time?

Whatever you did to change that thought worked for you, and you can replicate your own success in other areas.

For instance, if you thought you were a looser in 9th grade, but then decided that was no longer true in 10th grade, you have experienced transforming your thoughts.

You can do the same thing now. If you think you're dumb with business, you can also transform that thought in order to create a feeling of confidence in your ability to start a business. It's the same process! And you don't have to wait a year to see the results. You can transform as quickly as you'd like.

So, what are some of those negative thoughts you're currently working to overcome?

For instance, I notice a lot of these thoughts with my clients.

"I'm not sure I'm good at being an entrepreneur -- I lack discipline."
"I might not be able to make enough money."
"I don't have a PhD/advanced/Bachelor's degree in this field, and maybe people will think I have no credibility."
"I've never been particularly smart."
"I'm probably too old/young tall/short inexperienced/over-qualified (insert any adj. here) to do this."

And as they take more action, the thoughts change to this:

"I'm increasing my discipline, and I am good at being an entrepreneur -- I'm learning."
"I will find ways to make plenty of money."
"I don't need an advanced degree to accomplish this, and I am building credibility."
"I am smart enough to accomplish this."
"I can accomplish this using exactly what I've got."

Give it a try! Make a list of your negative thoughts. Then think back to a negative thought you had in the past that you eventually overcame. Use the same process that worked for you back then, but speed up your results by consciously choosing to transform.

What other people think -- the power to not care.

Do you know that one of the most common concerns I hear from clients, regardless of whether they are a CEO, entrepreneur, or other successful person, is a concern about what other people think.

*If I start this business, will they think it's a dumb idea?
*If I show confidence, will others feel threatened or jealous?
*If I fail, what will they think?
*What happens if they say no?
*What happens if I get rejected?

We all experience feelings like this when taking new risks, but it is reassuring to know that even the world's most successful and personally attractive people feel that same way you do!

The difference between an extremely successful person and a moderately successful one, is the ability to overcome the human concern of caring what others think.

That said, please note this does mean you still need to act with a conscience and consider others. Obviously, don't do something you think will piss people off, or that you wouldn't want done to you. This blog is addressing a situation where you really feel scared of what other people think, and that is preventing you from doing a positive thing. This is not giving you permission to be a jack ass and then saying "oh well, sorry, I don't care what you think!" So karma, let's not forget it.

Okay, so back to the topic -- let's say there is something positive you'd like to do. But you are scared. Examples -- you want to pitch an idea to a client, ask someone out, give a speech, go on vacation alone, try a new career, make a cold call, start a new business, live an unconventional lifestyle, or improve your life in some way. But you are scared that others will react badly.

So how do you manage this feeling?

1) Care more what YOU think -- your brain can only hold so many ideas at one time. If you are more focused on the question of "What do I really think about this?" There won't be much brain space left to consider other people's opinions. Your opinion is just as if not more valid than other people's, as you are closer to the situation and have the benefit of access to more information. That means, you know best whether your product or service really has a shot. You know your personal strengths, etc.

Next to each worried thought you have, write out the positive, helpful thought you'd prefer.

Example:
- "If I ask for Ted's help, he may say no. Maybe the guy doesn't even like me."
+ "I'm going to ask for Ted's help, and he may say no. I don't really know if he likes me, but I'm a likable guy. However he reacts is his responsibility. My part is only in asking. I'll be comfortable with any reaction I get."

2) Let go of taking responsibility for other people's feelings -- similar to letting go of the outcome (in the previous blog), it is not possible to feel responsible for everyone's feelings and also run a successful business without having serious stress that affects your health.

Sure, you can be concerned about others and their feelings, but you must let go of feeling responsible. If a customer gets upset, or an investor hates your idea, or a date says "no thanks," or a friend can't make it to your big party, you need to learn to let go. Say to yourself "That's interesting. I wonder why they feel that way, but of course, I'll never really know."

The truth is, maybe your customer is having a horrible day, an investor just lost a ton of money on a start-up where the guy looked just like you, a date is on the rebound and having psychological issues and needs some time alone, and your friend is dealing with more than you can imagine, and has no time for a social life.

The fact is, you just don't know. So instead of taking full responsibility for other people's reactions and feelings, say "That's interesting. I wonder what combination of factors resulted in that response?" And then move on.

Giving other people the freedom to have their reactions -- bad or good -- gives you the freedom to have your own. It also gives you ultimate freedom, in that you cannot fail. Even a bad reaction does not mean you did anything wrong.

3) Ask for information -- but what about if it really is your fault? What if you said something that pissed your customer off? When you let go of taking responsibility for other people's feelings, it frees you up to logically look at situations, and see if there was any cause and effect going on. When you're feeling confident, and know for sure what you think (about yourself, your business, your looks, etc.), then you are no longer afraid of other people's feelings -- this gives you the freedom to ASK for information.

Imagine saying to a client "Wow I see you're really upset. Was it something I did or said, or is there something else happening with you right not?"

That's a question you'd be terrified to ask if you nervously were wondering "It must be ME! I'm sure I did something WRONG!"

Instead, by stepping away from feeling responsible, and understanding that everyone is entitled to their own feelings and reactions, you don't have to worry about this or feel bad about it ever again.

This gives you the power and freedom to confront situations head on, with NO fear -- and actually gain more information than you otherwise would. If someone can start sobbing or yelling right in front of you, and you can stay calm and think "That's interesting. I wonder what combo of things caused that to happen?" then you have given yourself the power to do anything, including, the power to ask "Hey man, what's going on? I'd love to hear why you're so angry."

But when we feel responsible, our reaction is defensive, or we flee, or we attack. None of which give us any valuable information, and results in lower confidence for us, more frustration on the part of the other party, and no forward progress for us.

4 Try it) Think of a small risk you normally wouldn't take. It should be something where other people's opinions influence you to the point that it restricts your behavior. Perhaps you're afraid of making a cold call because the reaction might be bad. Or asking the new person in the office to lunch, as they might say no. Go ahead and do the action. Your mind set should be as follows:

Allow other people to have their feelings, without having their feelings be about YOU, or trying to change them. If the cold call ends with the person screaming at you on the other line, allow that. If the co-worker says "You? Lunch? No way!!!" Let that be okay. Don't make it about YOU.

If your girlfriend or boyfriend is angry, let them be angry! Don't try to change it. Instead, try to just let it exist. Let it be there intensely and let it be expressed. You can do that by just watching them calmly with concern in your eyes, or saying "Wow I can see you're furious. You really angry!" And then try repeating some of the things they are telling you back. "So you're mad because you're really busy at work, and then I happened to call you right then? That's correct right?"

Or, "You walked in and saw how messy the kitchen was, and that really pissed you off." Did I get that right?" (Add a question on the end, just in case you didn't hear it correctly).

This is a time to focus on taking a step back and not feeling responsible for their emotion -- sure, maybe it was your day to clean the kitchen and you didn't, or maybe you did call a busy company -- but let go of feeling it's your fault.

Say to yourself, "Okay, they're angry. I get angry too. Everyone does." Then, if you feel curious, ask what's going on with them -- out of curiosity, not out of a feeling of being responsible. Not to try to just find a solution or end the bad feeling.

"Would you tell me why the kitchen thing really made you so mad? I want to understand."
See this statement asks out of curiously, not out of a defensive feeling of being responsible. It could be said with either tone, so make sure you are really feeling curious and not defensive and responsible for their response.

"Would you tell me why calling right now upset you so much? I'd like to understand better."

That lets them tell you the truth. You want the truth, you need the truth, and you are now strong enough to hear it, because the truth is no longer about YOU. It's simply the truth that exists. There is no fear anymore that YOU may be the problem. And even if they say YOU are the problem, it isn't about YOU. It's simply their own feeling, which they are entitled to.

So if they say "I'm so pissed and YOU were suppose to clean the kitchen! I think you're a jerk for not doing it when I needed the help!"

Then you can realize that those feelings are complicated. It's not just about YOU. It's about THEM. Let them have those feelings.

Now that you know the honest truth, you can express your own feeling and truth.

"I'm really sorry I've bothered you at such a bad time. It seems the timing was really horrible today. I would love to contact you when it would be best for you, because I really think you'd like the reason I'm calling after we can talk for a minute. Would it be okay if I call back, and if so when works?"

"Wow I'm so sorry you had such a horrible day. I do my best to keep things clean, but today I had a crazy day also, and I didn't have time to do it. But I will clean it up tomorrow after work. I want you to know that I care, even if there are some days I can't complete everything.

This great communication happened because you allowed the other person to have their feelings, without trying to change them. And you allowed yourself to be entitled to your own feelings and thoughts, and expressed your own truth. Truth is power. People sense when you are NOT speaking the truth, and when you ARE.

5) To sum up, allowing other people to have their own feelings and thoughts, without feeling responsible, allows you the freedom to do ANYTHING you want. That's amazing freedom! It also gives you the power to stay calm, and this enables you to ask the questions you NEED to ask to get down to the truth of a situation -- where otherwise, your response would be too defensive or negative to get a truthful response from the person. Then, having that truth allows you to make small changes if you'd like, to improve situations, and to get closer to others.

Allowing others to feel and think for themselves, and to no longer take responsibility for it, enables you to HAVE THE POWER TO NOT CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK. You can learn it with practice.

This is a rare power to have, in that most people are obsessed with the opinion of others. That gives you the power to act and do whatever you want. You now have given yourself permission to take whatever RISK you'd like, with no fear. It also allows you to focus more on your thoughts and feelings, to really decide what you think. This provides you with the calmness and clear mind you NEED in order to astutely deal with conflict, to understand other people's true feelings, and to ASK the otherwise difficult (if not impossible) questions, such as "WHY? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL/THINK AND WHY, BECAUSE I CARE." Asking that when you fear YOU are the problem is not possible.

Give it a try! I'd love to hear the results.

Let go of the outcome

When you hold tightly to the outcome and identify with it, your ego gets caught up in the experience, and FEAR becomes a bigger problem than it needs to be.

1) I'll take this action
2) If it's a good result, I'm a great person! If it's a bad result, I'm a looser.

How common is this thinking? It's pretty much the way society teaches us to think.

However, the result of this way of thinking, is that it prevents you from doing NEW things or taking the actions you need to take. It keeps you stuck in a place where anything new is to be feared, because it's an opportunity to fail (and in your own mind, become a "looser.")

For most people who don't take a lot of new risks, it's not much of a problem. For people who are suddenly faced with NEEDING to take many risks, entrepreneurs, CEOs, new singles on the dating scene, job seekers, or even a person looking to make new friends -- or anyone thrown into new waters, it makes it a HUGE risk to try ANYTHING new, because it could end in "failure."

I put failure in quotes because it's a subjective term. You simply have an action and an outcome. You choose whether to name that outcome a success or a failure.

You're learning to ski and fall. Is that a failure or a success? It could be seen as either: a failure because you fell, a success because you are learning and falling is essential to the process, and by having fallen you've already achieved a higher level of knowledge already.

You get to choose how you view the outcome.

However, by detaching yourself from it, and not labeling it as "bad" or "good," you won't label yourself either. Don't define yourself by your outcomes, bad or good.

Easier said than done.

How many of us do define ourselves by our successes and failures? I'm GOOD because I make X amount of money per year, I have a nice car, I'm in good shape, etc. I'm BAD because I got rejected, my date hated me, my client said no, etc.

This way of thinking is a trap. You will ALWAYS have both good and bad outcomes, regardless of how "perfectly" you do things. Someone will hate you, you will be rejected at times, people will be mean or unfair to you, you won't always get what you deserve every time.

And that has nothing to do with you. Some people are just jerks or having a bad day or maybe you remind them of someone they dislike. Perhaps you look just like their ex-girlfriend's new guy friend. You just never know.

And to worry yourself with all of this means you are preventing your own success and happiness -- you know that logically.

How to change your thinking to let go of the outcome:

So draw a line.

1) This is my effort -- I own it. I'll do my absolute best here. Take the action, and then step away.

2) This is the result. It's not mine. It has very little to do with me.

3) While the results are forming, I'll step away, way over here, and start working on an other task -- because really, I don't care what happens since it has nothing to do with me. Say to yourself, I've dropped my raffle tickets into the bin, and now I'm leaving this party.

4) Once you get the outcome, celebrate, or not, but DO feel it. But know it actually has nothing to do with you, really.

5) This is where you can analyze the part you played in the process. See if you'd like to change anything, improve anything, etc. But do this in a logical way without blame. You may need to test your approach many times before you can determine whether you need to change your approach or not.

So an example:

1) Mike works really hard preparing for a first date. He works out, dresses great, gets enough sleep, picks a great little bar in the Lower East Side. He calls, makes the date, shows up on time. He makes great conversation and basically just does a great job. While leaving, he asks her if she wants to hang out Wednesday. She says maybe. Call me and we'll see. He has now completed his effort and needs to "step away."

2) Mike has now completed his effort portion and is now awaiting his result. When he calls her, he won't know if she'll say yes or not. Mike could get all flustered and freaked out and not even call. Or he could call and sound nervous, or leave way too many voicemail messages like the guy in Swingers did.

Instead, Mike follows step #2 and tells himself this: This is the result. It's not mine. It has very little to do with me. He calls and leaves a message.

3) Now, Mike tells himself this "While the results are forming, I'll step away, way over here, and start working on an other task -- because really, I don't care what happens since it has nothing to do with me. Say to yourself, I've dropped my raffle tickets into the bin, and now I'm leaving this party." He gets busy with planning the rest of his weekend and decides to go to the gym.

4) He's so caught up in this, he doesn't even notice he's just gotten a text from her. The text says "awesome! Let's get together!" Or it says "You're so nice, but not for me." Mike feels either happy or sad. But either way he feels some distance from the result and thinks "hmm that's interesting." But he knows that her choice in going out with him (the outcome) doesn't really have that much to do with him. It has MUCH more to do, obviously, with HER. And what she wants.

5) This is where Mike analyzes what's happened. After he calms down, he will logically look at the part he played and the aspects that he OWNS. Step 1 ONLY. He will take a good look at what has worked, and what hasn't and see if there's anything to be improved. There may not be, or there might be -- but be careful to decide until you've tested your #1 approach several times in many situations.

It's completely possible that Mike's #1 rocked (or didn't), and other factors led to the outcome. Let's say this girl actually hated Mike, and he did a TERRIBLE job in #1, but the girl agreed to the date because she was just bored and had to get out of the house! Or, let's say Mike did an AMAZING job in #1, but the girl is actually in love with her ex and thinking of moving across the country and surprising him. Neither have a thing to do with Mike, and neither are in his control. But he won't know any of this while awaiting his outcome.

In life, we just never know what is going on outside of our own control. So we need to let go of that, and just do what you do. Improve what you do, sure. But let go of it when it comes time to get your outcome.

Are you more "big picture" or "present moment"?

Video -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ULlh-B35uY



Determine this to help you become more efficient during your day.

1. Your strength is one of the two.

• Big picture focused

You enjoy themes, theory, the meaning behind things, forecasting the future, possibilities, brainstorming, likelihoods, what could be, concepts. You might not even notice the color on the walls or how food tastes in a restaurant, as you're absorbed in noticing the overall gist. Tend to talk about concepts or overall big pictures, "Their house was upscale, with a spacious layout." Stressed when have to focus on needed daily practical tasks.

• Present moment focused

You enjoy working with tangibles, things happening today, action-oriented, detail-focused, right now, the five senses, good memory for detail and facts. Practical. Notice the detail of a restaurant -- the color of the walls, the material of the table, etc. Tends to discuss "real" things, or to mention the layout of a room "Their kitchen was here, the table here, the cupboards were just above, etc." Stressed when have to plan for the distant future.

2. Craft your work day to include as many tasks as possible that fall into your strength category.

Example:

Big picture tasks -- forecasting what may happen/is likely to happen with a business, brainstorming new marketing ideas, looking at big picture objectives, deciding which tasks are most important, thinking about what types of objects may need to be moved around, getting a quick, general feel for data, thinking about what went wrong last year and how to improve that this year, deciding what fire fighters need to be most focused on this year.

Present-moment tasks -- action, preparing a report, stock market trading, actually completing tasks, moving objects around, organizing, plowing through data and detail, implementing changes, filling out tax forms, working to get it done today, doing things one step at a time, fighting a fire.

3. Outsource the rest if possible. Or, if you must do tasks that don't fall into your strength area (as most of us do), then realize you will need to suck it up and just get it done. This is an exercise in discipline.

4. The goal? How can you change your work life to use MORE of your strengths? And LESS of your weakness?

Comments welcome! Feel free to post.