Add This To Your Dating Laundry-List: 5 Reasons Why Emotional Maturity is Vital for Long-Term Relationships Success!

When dating, most people focus on "how cute is this person" and "are they fun?" This is just fine for casually dating or finding new acquaintances.

However, when wanting something more serious and lasting, it's easy to forget to focus on the qualities that matter most in marriage. Even the most cute and fun person can be a nightmare if they lack the essential qualities that a good long-term relationship/marriage require.

Number one on this list? Emotional maturity!



Emotional maturity isn't awarded to us when we reach physical maturity. And many "successful" adults can be completely lacking in this quality. They can have jobs and seemingly "normal" lives, yet they are living essentially with the same maturity and decision-making approach as an 11-year-old. Uh, who would want to date or marry that??

See tips on spotting these types below!

Of course, no one is going to volunteer that they're seriously lacking in maturity. They probably won't even realize this quality about themselves, since it's how they've always lived. Their examples (such as parents) are probably equally immature, so it seems normal to them -- so good luck trying to "help" someone like this. Chance are, they don't get it, and probably won't ever learn.

The Journal of Marriage and Family in 1966 found that Emotional Maturity was hugely important for "marriageability."

Seeking a person with this set of attributes is very important for long-term marriage happiness -- and it's something to add to your laundry list of important qualities for your dream partner.

So what is this definition of Emotional Maturity? (note that the word "he" can be exchanged for "she" in any of the following).

The Emotionally Mature person is able to:

1) Deal with stress/taking responsibility -- he accept responsibility for problems he brings on himself. He doesn't blame others or outside forces. The immature person will blame others and deal with stress by avoiding reality and distracting himself, i.e, binge drinking, drugs, watching tons of TV or excess sleeping.

Put it into practice. When you arrive too late to the theater to watch a movie, does he blame the traffic and get angry? Does he blame the weather? Does he blame the theater for having too-early movie times? Does he say these things "just happen" and "that's life?" Does he say "life is unpredictable. You just have to deal with these random events." You're dealing with an emotionally immature person. BAD.

If he instead take responsibility and says "Next time I've gotta remember to leave earlier," and despite being annoyed, is able to stay calm, congrats! You've got an emotionally mature person on your hands! If he can identify the part he played in a negative outcome, GOOD job.


Does he or she handle anger like a 13-year-old boy or girl? You're in trouble!

2) Able to handle anger -- he should be able deal with anger in a harmless way. We ALL get angry. We don't all punch people in the nose, overturn tables, verbally attack others or binge drink. The emotionally mature person addresses their anger in positive ways, or at least ways that don't harm others emotionally or physically.

Put it into practice. Let's say your guy has just been rejected from his dream promotion, for no good reason. He's pissed. This is where emotional maturity/immaturity rears it's ugly or attractive head.

GOOD -- If he's able to deal in a positive way -- let's say he takes a time out, discusses it with some friends, reflects on it, perhaps realizes an important lesson, re-accesses his career goals, focuses on what he can do about it to improve the situation, hits the gym, writes about his rage in a journal, then CONGRATS, you've got an emotionally mature winner on your hands. The key is that he isn't attacking anyone physically or mentally. His anger is addressed in a harmless way.

BAD -- If he goes off in an angry rant, calls you a bitch, says it's all your fault (who knows how, but somehow), gives you the silent treatment, punches someone, destroys something, goes out binge drinking, isn't able to talk about it calmly (after a period of time), goes out gambling, can't address his feelings and instead plays video games for weeks, then sorry, game over. Emotional loser on your hands.


Coping with authority is a great life-skill to have.


3) Can deal with authority -- emotionally mature people can cope with authority, but aren't dependent on it. This means they can be respectful to the IRS agent when they get audited, without cussing them out or storming out of the room. They can be polite to their boss. But they aren't dependent on being submissive to authority -- their life doesn't depend on pleasing the boss. They aren't weak or meek "please kick me again" types. His world doesn't revolve around pleasing the boss (or his parents), at the expense of other areas of his life -- the mature guy can say "no." Mama's or Daddy's boy or slave-to-the-boss are both unattractive, because it's maladaptive, and it's simply immature.

Put it into practice. Let's say your guy is asked to do an extra report at work.

GOOD -- Emotionally-mature guy is able to handle it. He doesn't get pissed off and scream at the boss. He doesn't storm out of the room. He can stay calm and figure out how to get the work done. However, he has a line. Past the line, he'll have a discussion with his boss about how doing (an extreme amount) of extra work will negatively impact his family life, and he'll set a boundary that he prefers his boss not go past. He'll be able to negotiate this in an assertive, but calm and respectful way.

BAD -- Immature guy can't deal with authority at all. He must make a fool of himself whenever someone has power or a police uniform on. He'll either rebel or play "devil's advocate" to the extreme, being so contrary as to appear like a jerk, thinking he's some kind of awesome James Dean, when he looks more like a 12-year-old boy: throwing a tantrum, doing something passive aggressive (such as just "forgetting" to do the report), giving the silent treatment, send a nasty email, spread a rumor, take it out on his co-worker by bulling him into doing the report for him, telling off the boss behind his back, etc. Essentially, making the situation tons worse for all involved, and possibly getting himself fired.

OR, he'll go to the other extreme, bending over backwards to please the authority figure (at any cost). He'll look like a ridiculous eager-to-please monkey, pathetically chasing the authority figure's approval. He'll work all night long, or accept any kind of horrible treatment -- he doesn't respect himself enough to say "no." He's probably never said "no" in his life, to anyone who he feels holds any power. He'll be that guy who is a puppet to his parents' desires as well -- "My mom thinks I should buy a condo in Brooklyn, so I think I'll do that." Or, "My dad says it's about time for me to settle down, so I guess I'll go on match.com." He'll not even consider doing things his OWN way. He's like a little boy, eagerly trying to please mommy, daddy or teacher/boss.


Can he ponder the future consequences of a choice?

4) Balance/Integrity -- The emotionally mature guy knows his values. He's thought about them enough to know. He's pondered life, and what's important to him. He's considered the idea of balance, and living with integrity is important to him. He's a grown-up. The immature guy -- what ARE these ideas? Grab a typical teenager. "Integrity? What's that?" Children and teens are typically selfish, short-term thinkers, who haven't yet matured to the point of considering these concepts.

Put it into practice. Let's say your guy is faced with a dilemma. Should he throw a co-worker under the bus to get a promotion himself?

GOOD: He's able to tap into his sense of integrity and values. He makes this decision in line with that, no question. Even if it's difficult on him in the short-term, he knows it's long term "the right thing to do." He'll suffer that initial pain, because it's in line with what he ultimately wants. He has a moral compass that he's developed from defining his life's philosophies. He knows where he stands on most issues. While willing to hear other viewpoints, or even evolve his beliefs as he learns more in life, he always has a sense of why he's doing what he's doing -- it's not just for "no reason" or a short-term pull to do something.


Can he see past the short-term pull? Or must have have his popsicle, NOW!

BAD: He'll do short-term, whatever is best for him. Like a kid stealing all the cookies from the jar and then lying about it. Works for me! There is no further thought beyond this, like a child. He'll alter his "values" so much that he can't remember why he did what. He has a bad memory, because he can't face himself in the mirror, and he tries to forget what he's done. He'll also blame others to justify he's unethical decisions. "Only the tough survive, it's evolution," he'll say, as a reason to do unethical things. Deep down, he knows he's full of crap though, which is why he's defensive.


Does he promise he didn't eat that missing cookie?


5) Self-control -- The emotionally-mature guy has self-control. He can evaluate (in advance) if taking an action is a good idea, or NOT. He can evaluate a variety of consequences. "Should I scream at my girlfriend right now? Should I call her a fat bitch? Would that be a good idea? hmm. Maybe not. How about I say something more constructive." That would be the thought process of the emotionally mature guy. The not-self-controlled guy would spit out the hurtful words without a second though. And then he'd blame someone else for having said it. Someone, of course, "made" him say it, or do it. "Tommy made me hit him, because he stole my cookie!"

Self-control enables him to achieve all of the previous 4 steps. He can control his emotions to as not do anything reckless. His emotions don't get the best of him. He can find a balanced place of calmness in any situation, regardless of how volatile that situation is. Yoda would be proud. Even in intense situations, he can step back and find his footing without "losing it." A child has NO self-control, which is why they are a child still. A mature adult has the ability to control themselves: their words, and their actions.

Put it into practice. Let's say your guy is caught in a stressful situation. Let's say his in-laws have just made a critical comment about him.

GOOD: Can he keep it together enough to stay classy, yet assertive? Can he find his footing and confidence enough to keep that composure, and consider his actions in advance? Even though he's furious, can he ask himself "What would the best response be in this situation?"

BAD: With no self control, it's like he has Tourette's Syndrome. He spits out whatever he feels, no matter how tactless, rude, or relationship-damaging. He takes whatever action he feels like, without considering the consequences. He might even resort to physical violence, since he doesn't think ahead to possible outcomes that could happen. And then, he'll blame everything under the sun to excuse his bad behavior.

So as you can see, emotional maturity is HUGELY important for any long-term relationship. Lacking this essential quality can make for a horrible relationship, despite someone being great in all other areas. Make sure that you notice where your dates rank in term of EM, before you take things to the next level.

EM is a choice. It can be developed in anyone who is willing. However, the benefits for someone to say emotionally IMMATURE are obvious. They feel they can do or say anything with no bad consequences. It's FUN to steal the cookie, eat it, and blame someone else. You DO get to eat the cookie, don't you? So you can see why it's difficult to try to change someone who lacks maturity. They have to WANT to change. And if they don't see the damaging effects of staying emotionally IMMATURE, such as the effects to their career, character, relationships, etc., than they will likely not seek to change.

Keep this in mind in your dating, all! :)

photos from free digital phots. net.