The 2 Most Important Online Dating Tips Ever, for Guys in Manhattan
As a dating coach for the past 5 years in Manhattan, I've heard it all from my clients -- who are both women and men (I have about half of each). So I have a great idea what annoys women. I also have received plenty of scary messages that I instantly delete.
Before we begin, it won't help to get angry that "I can't believe this is how it is. It shouldn't be this way!!"
This is the way it is.
This is what women in the city respond to. Being pissed off won't help anymore than being outraged that you have to spell check your resume if you want a job.
If you want to achieve a goal, there are certain things you have to do (and not do). Tell your ego to be quiet for a minute, and take this to heart. Deep breath now!
Here are my TOP 2 tips for guys trying to online date in the city.
1) Guys -- Stop "negging" Stop it now.
Negs, or those negative messages you tell a girl to throw her off balance, make her laugh, or just insult her, and NO longer in fashion.
Here's the definition from Urban Dictionary:
After 10 years of girls fending off insults such as "Great smile, do you bleach your teeth?" women are now desperate for a simple compliment. You'll set yourself apart by NOT insulting women, but instead, occasionally complimenting them. So remove those negs from your first messages. Everything from insulting the school she went to, to challenging her knowledge on a subject, just remove this completely.
Some negs I have personally heard (both online and in-person):
- Those earrings are cute. They look like something a four year old would wear.
- Your shoes are ugly.
- OMG are those finger-less gloves? That is ridiculous.
- Your web site is ugly.
- So you're a life coach -- are you going to give me advice on which car to buy or something?
- Oh you really are a life coach? I thought you were joking.
- Wow, you are quite bizarre... but very, VERY appealing. (coupling an insult with a compliment here).
Yes, this does get old. Girls get starved for compliments. So instead of piling on the insults, return to a simpler time when men complimented women. "That's great you help kids as a preschool teacher" or "Interesting necklace. I like it." or "you look great" are an easy way to slip compliments in on a date.
In a first online dating email, you can let her know you noticed some of her positive personality qualities. "You seem really vivacious, and I like that." Or "I think it's amazing you're so active with volunteer work." Or whatever.
So now you know to cool it with the insults. Now onto the second huge online dating mistake...
You'd be surprised how many men throw tantrums. They absolutely lose it, and feel that venting to the very girl they're trying to get a date with is a good idea. Vent to anyone else, but not to the girl you're trying to get to go out with you.
May I say DUH. This should be obvious guys. But it's really not.
Case in point.
GIRL: "sounds like a plan."
GUY: (Tantrum reply). "Oh really? That's all you're going to write back? You're just writing three words. A lot of enthusiasm there! Really. Just so. not. cool." (and so on...)
This resulted in the message being deleted and put on the block list. Why? A response like this oozes insecurity, a person who needs to constantly have his ego inflated (not a fun job for a girl), and it just seems creepy.
If you want more of a dialogue, ask the girl questions about herself.
Remember, SHE DOESN'T OWE YOU ANYTHING. She's an Internet stranger after all. Not your mother, therapist, or best friend. In fact, she doesn't even know you, and you are trying to convince her to meet you in person. Do you think throwing a tantrum will help you achieve this?
Avoid a rant on "how women always do this to you." This further makes you look psycho, and confirms her suspicions that something is just very "off" about you.
- If she prefers something different on a date than what you've offered, stay cool and go with the flow.
- If she needs to meet on Thursday and not Wednesday don't make a snide comment that "maybe she's working too many hours" or if she's sick never say "ya right...maybe you should see a doctor then!!"
- If she's vegetarian, don't insult her preferences, or try to convince her to eat a steak.
- If she doesn't want to talk on the phone don't write a rant about "how women should be more open damn it!!"
- Absolutely never write a string of emails (if she doesn't answer the first). "WHY did you not answer my previous two emails? Do you think you're too cool for school? Huh?"
- Most importantly, never allow your anger to increase with each unanswered email, as you being to talk yourself through a solo therapy session, as you fall into frustration and self-loathing. This is not an appropriate place to vent, and you'll come off as pathetic as that guy from Swingers. Instead, take a deep breath, tell yourself "There's someone better out there" and move on.
If you're that offended what an Internet stranger writes to you (or doesn't write) then you really should look at where that anger is coming from. It's a deeper issue than an Internet stranger who was too busy (or uninterested) to write back to you promptly. If this is the case, DO seek out therapy (or coaching if you don't have a deep-rooted issue) and figure out what is fueling that fire, because it spells disaster for your dating life.
Keep these 2 tips in mind guys, and you'll have a great time online dating in the city! :)
*free digital photos. net.
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