The 2 Most Important Online Dating Tips Ever, for Ladies in Manhattan

They say, "Karma is a bigger bitch than you." The problem is that we can be blind to mistakes we weren't even aware we were making. Yikes. Especially if you really liked the guy. So, my wonderful ladies of NYC, here are 2 of my top tips for not incurring evil-rude-girl karma debt!!

1. Don't insult the venue he chose.

Guys get really nervous about planning dates. It feels like a big risk to them, because you might laugh in their face and say "Really? You thought this place was a good idea?" Girls don't understand the pressure guys put on themselves to plan the perfect date. Due to this, some guys opt out by just asking the girl to plan it (which is weak), but it explains why they do this -- they want to please you (or sometimes they are just lazy). Other guys will plan the date, but even the most confident guy will be a teensy bit worried that you'll diss his choice, "OMG this bar is so 2010" or "This is the worst mojito I've ever had!!" (those are bitchy things to say, if that wasn't clear).

Guys do get very offended if you insult their choices for the night (venue, drinks, food, etc), because they feel rejected. Men see planning a date as "providing" something akin to a caveman giving a cave-woman a chicken leg. "Here's a piece of meat I hunted down for you..*wink*" And if she rejects it, "Eww I hate chicken. I only eat wooly mammoth," then he will feel rejected. He'll assume she's holding out for caveman #2, whose coming down the road w/ some Wooly M. scraps in his messenger bag. (I know some historical details are inaccurate here, but just go with me).

So on some deep primal level, rejecting what he has "provided" is rejecting him.

No, this makes no sense to ladies. We are used to bitching about everything with friends. It's sort of the NYC way. "This bagel is overly dry." "Weird crowd here. Should we move?" or "They gave us gross food because it's restaurant week. It should be way better." These are fine to say to other friends, but not to guys on dates.

Below are the types of casual comments that will make you seem unappreciative and bitchy:
• "Hmm...seems like a really weird crowd at this place."
• "I dunno about this bar. I'd never come here with my friends." or "I can't stand the music they're playing."
• "Oh you ordered me a vodka tonic? I really only drink champagne." (also makes you look like a gold-digger, unless you've already offered to pay for the round. If you get a $23 drink on a 1st date, you should at least offer to pay, btw.
• "This food is only so/so."
• "Hmm...maybe we should have met up downtown. This neighborhood is full of B&T people."
Avoid saying the above. Instead, make a mental note to not return to said venue or not to order whatever you ordered. There's no need to say these things out loud. Keep it classy and gracious by thanking him. You can always cut a date short -- but do spend at least 40 minutes to an hour there, if you have any interest in seeing him again. If you hate him, spend at least 35 minutes (and make up a very good excuse) just to not incur evil-rude-girl karma debt.

I mean this even if he took you to a hideous Times Square dive bar full of middle-aged tourists with their screaming children. Especially if he took you here. Why are there children in a dive bar? I don't know.

But, ladies you are strong -- you truly can handle sitting in a bar for half an hour with decor that is not your absolute favorite, or with a watery non-top-shelf drink. Buck up ladies, you really won't die if the venue occasionally plays some Backstreet Boys and isn't as scene-y as you would like.

There's no need to pretend to like the venue, food, or drinks, but instead focus on ANY positive aspect you can find in the situation, and thank him (just for the effort of buying a drink, or dinner, or having met you, etc). Even if that's "It's nice to get out on a week night" or "It's good to meet someone new" or "I like that painting over there." He will get the hint due to you not being enthusiastic about the rest, but there's no need to drive the point home with insults.

If you're really uncomfortable, you can suggest alternative options. Make some polite requests like "Would you go downtown with me, because there's a place I really want to check out?" Or, "I'm actually vegetarian. Would you mind if we went to a place that has salads?" Or, "I'm really feeling like poking my eyes out every time I look at that guy's Ed Hardy shirt -- can be get out of here, NOW?" (Okay, NOT the last one. That was to see if you were paying attention).

If you feel physically uncomfortable (let's say you're getting elbowed, or the music hurts your ears, or some guys are standing way too close, or you're allergic to gluten and at a pasta place), then it's definitely okay to tell him you're uncomfortable and would like to move, but focus on the specific problem, instead of making it about his date choice, e.g., "I get uncomfortable in crowds, would you go with me to a lounge instead?" Say that instead of "I can't believe you picked such a loud stupid bar. I need to leave stat."

So the main idea is to leave out anything critical, insulting, or complaining, but to focus on getting what you want if you are uncomfortable. But if it's only mildly annoying, then really do just suck it up for that short date.

Guys will respect you for your honesty and assertiveness, but will admire you for being tactful, polite, and appreciative.

Even if the place he chose sucked, THANK him. The restaurant could have had an off night, or maybe he's not that well versed in Yelping restaurants...so what? He could still be a great guy. Don't blow your chances due to insulting him -- especially if you don't even realize you're insulting him.

And if you don't like the guy, at least you're following the first rule of dating "Do no harm," and earning some karma points as well.

2. Don't be super late. Or flaky.

This is a tough one. We're all busy in NYC, and yes, we're all quite important (whether or not you have many leather-bound books). But if you like a guy at all, being super flaky or super late are definitely ways to make him pissed off.

The reason we never get scolded for this, is because the poor guy is so relieved that you didn't stand him up, that he's grateful you are there. But later, he'll remember how late you were and he'll be pissed off. That's not a good foundation for a solid relationship, now is it?

It's equally bad to cancel less than 24 hours ahead of time (give him the same respect you'd give your dentist).

If you really don't like him, be honest with yourself, and don't agree to meet him.

A good test? Ask yourself...

"If he magically appeared downstairs from my apmt, and I heard the buzzer right now (assuming I was wearing a cute outfit) would I go downstairs, or not?"

If you don't feel like hurrying down those stairs, just tell the poor guy you're not a match, instead of setting up a tentative date you probably won't follow through on -- I know this takes a huge amount of self-awareness, but it will SAVE you so much time, and will keep from annoying him.

I was guilty of this myself. I typically tend to love everyone, golden retriever style, and I forget that I need to determine if I actually like a guy for dating purposes, or if I just like him for being a human. So I said yes to way too many dates, and some I cancelled, and some I went on only to wonder why I'd gone.

There is a fair amount of flakiness on both sides (men do it too, because they love back-up options) -- ya we all love a hedge -- but that doesn't mean it's okay to do. It's bad dating karma for sure.

I'm also guilty of lateness. Ugh...
In my mid-20s for 1 year only, I was typically 30 minutes late, everywhere. Mostly due to my lack of time-management-skills at that age, and a silly idea that it just made the guys want me more -- I 'd notice guys were extra attentive after waiting at a table alone for 30 awkward minutes, and more anxious to win me over...so there was no downside (so why not really take my time with that eye-liner, right?). However, there were downsides I didn't realize -- none of the dates I had in that year turned into anything serious (being late or flaky makes you appear unreliable to others, even on a subconscious level).

First impressions last.
If you want a relationship to last, be on time.

Even if you're always on time, if you're 35 minutes late to meet him, he will put you in that "late girl" category, for a very, very long time. I have friends I met when I was in that one-year-of-lateness who still are surprised when I show up on time. And I've been on time for years! But first impressions last a lifetime.

So yes, be on time. This means scheduling the appropriate time you need to get ready, and not pretending it'll only take you 15 minutes, when it always takes 40. It'll also cut down on your stress as you know you feel guilty when you're making others wait.

Be on time, and he might be the one. At least you didn't cross off an option that could have worked out, even if he's not the one.

It's important to date nice. This builds good dating karma.
Go get 'em ladies! :)

*free digital photos. net.