Where a River Opens Up Into the Ocean -- The Day Everything Changes

No matter how long you've had a problem, there is a day when everything changes. When your blinders come off and you see how beautiful the world really is. When the sunlight which was blocked from you suddenly becomes ALL YOURS. When everything you've longed for and thought was impossible, simply becomes possible -- even better, it simply EXISTS. Now. And it happens without a huge effort. Without decades of painstaking work. It happens because of a new awareness. It happens when you remove your blinders. We all have a unique set of binders, and understanding yours gives you the power to simply remove them.

It's like we spend our whole lives in a little row boat tied to the side of a river. We think that's the whole world. But we've never had the bravery to untie that rope, and let ourselves float quickly downstream in those rapids, perhaps being pulled right over a waterfall as we crash down into foamy rough water, but then we are pulled gently into the mouth of that river, where everything opens up into the limitless free ocean, where there are not ropes or restrictions. There is only everything you've ever wanted.

It reminds me of the Paradise song by Coldplay, "Everything you've ever wanted, in a permanent state."

This is possible. By allowing yourself to go down that river, by removing your blinders, understanding the world view you have and the closed-in, limited system you've created. Then, doing the scary work of untying your boat and courageously exploring, until you find yourself at the gorgeous entrance to the entire world, and it's all free before you gleaming in sunlight, safe and ready to be explored.

You can go your whole life seeing the world in one narrow way. If you were taught the world is a mean, cruel place, and there is no place for you, and you should be ashamed for existing, and you can merely long for good things but won't ever have them, then your whole life will continue to teach you these lessons. If you were lucky enough to learn the world is a kind place where this is plenty of room for you to play and be yourself, and the world is richer for you simply being here, life will also continue to teach you this.

If you were taught you can't trust people, you won't. If you were taught people only hurt you, they will. If you were taught you're bad at heart, you will think you are. If you were taught the world is beautiful and everything you want is possible, it will be.

It's no one's fault which lessons you are taught. The way a child is treated is never their fault. But it's up to all of us to discover how we see things, so we CAN change it. We are powerful.

Once we realize we ALL have the power to change the way we see the world. And once we do so, everything changes. That thing you can never seem to get? That love or money or security or feeling of happiness that always seems to fade away? Just imagine if it always stayed. Always. 

Doing so isn't as easy as just forcing yourself to think something new -- we can't change over night, and honestly it's PAINFUL to change, because your sense of "this is how the world is" is shaken. That's scary. But it all starts with being open. With untying your row boat and being willing to see what's downstream.

To really change, we have to take stock of where we are starting. How do you see the world? How do you see yourself? This stuff isn't obvious, because we all assume "that's just how it is. How could it be any different?"

It is different.

We build our lives around these ideas. We ONLY attract and KEEP people (and situations) around who confirm these beliefs. FURTHER convincing ourselves "there is no other way to see this." We stand around with the owners of the row-boats next to ours and talk about how "this is all there is. This is the whole world."

It's not.

Now to really understand our blinders. We all have different versions. However, just to get an idea of how it works, imagine a young child who gets the following messages (bulleted list below). This will cause them to form a mindset for life. Then they'll be motivated to attract people and situations who lead them to confirm the same messages.

• You're a burden
• You'll be rejected sometimes, other times, accepted 
• Be perfect, or you'll be rejected faster
• You don't deserve to be here. Other people do, but you don't
• Don't ask for much, because no one cares what you want
• Wait a really long time to get what you want. Ignore what you really want
• You'll only get what you want sometimes, and you have to endure a lot of pain to get it
• This is how the world works. Other people have it easier, but they aren't YOU
• It will never get better. This is your lot in life
• It's your fault your life is bad like this. If you were better, it wouldn't be this way -- but you'll never be better

(NOTE: These beliefs (which form from emotional abuse, which isn't the child's fault) will lead to the Anxious/Preoccupied attachment style which is described below. We all have one of these 4 styles. Read below to see which you are. Your style will form the system of how your life works, as far as how your relationships play out! That's a BIG deal. And the cool thing is, you can change it, if it's not working for you -- meaning you can create MUCH better relationships. Having more solid relationships then frees you up to have the mental and physical energy you need to really attack your goals.) 

As an adult, the child who has been taught the bulleted list above (they learned this through they were treated and what was said to them) will have these beliefs CONFIRMED again and again, and will be BLIND to any information that doesn't confirm this. Even as they try to fight hard to AVOID these inevitable outcomes -- these messages will be constantly as they are drawn to people and situations where he or she feels "at home." 

Also a person with the above list will usually not seek out help, because they believe THEY are the problem and feel ashamed about it. How could it get better when the problem is THEMSELVES at a deep level? The truth is they are NOT the problem, and it's a matter of changing the incorrect thoughts. 

If you're lucky enough to NOT to feel this way, then realize that others DO. And it explains some of their behavior you might not understand. This will better help you understand the people you interact with every day. 

If you're longing for a life you think you'll never have, KNOW you can have it. You deserve to. If you think you'll never be loved and always be hurt, know there are changes you can make to realize YOU aren't the problem, and you can be loved constantly.

I recently read an amazing book called "Attached" which explains that relationships enable us to become independent -- what a conflicting thought with what we are taught! The notion that we should suffer alone is wrong. We NEED people and this is a good thing. Only when we are securely attached to others and feel unconditional love (from a securely attached person) do we THEN feel less clingy and able to explore the world boldly. Relationships are our happiness, yet many of us are TERRIFIED of relationships based on our past experiences. You have your OWN bulleted list. That list motivates your actions or inactions.

What is your list? What does it cause you to do? To help you get started and discover this, which of the below lists do you relate to most? Once you decide that, do some googling about your attachment style and a wealth of information about how you can help yourself will open up. Working with a therapist can help you a ton! I also recommend reading "Attached" and coaching can help you with the practical take-action steps, as you can begin to take new action during the week. So contact me for help with that. 

If you're Secure Attached, you'll see the world like this:

• It's not about me. If someone rejects me, that's just them. Doesn't really bother me
• I'm great and most people like me and want to be around me -- it's easy to depend on each other
• I love relationships and people
• I'm comfortable being close and having space is fine too 
• I can get what I want from life
• Close relationships and people come first, but of course I get my work done too
• I don't have to be perfect. We're all human
• I don't really need to over analyze anything
• I think I'm great and so are others -- why wouldn't I see it this way? 
• If someone needs more reassurance or is clingy, that's not a big deal. If they seem to be avoiding me, I'll probably assume they're not that interested and just end it, without it being a big deal
• I'm good in relationships, and I tend to be in long-term ones 
• I tend to attract others who are also wanting close relationships 

If you're Avoidant/Dismissive Attached, you'll see the world like this: 

• I don't need people
• I'm good on my own 
• My work comes first 
• I need a lot of space and independence
• I push people away if they start to be too clingy -- they want to drain me
• I don't ask others for things, because I don't need anything from others 
• I think I'm pretty great, but I wonder how great others are -- I can be critical of others 
• I don't need closeness like others do
• I convince myself that my partner has a lot of flaws or problems once things get close
• If there is stress I retreat and run away from my partner 
• Sometimes I long for an ex, who now seems perfect to me -- I never really remember why my relationships ended, but at the time it really seemed like it was ALL their fault 
• It's annoying to me if someone needs a lot of reassurance and is clingy, but often these are the people I attract (Note: secures will tend to end things with avoidants as per above. The Mars Venus books describe men as being "avoidants" and women as being "anxious.") 

If you're Anxious/Preoccupied Attached, you'll see the world like this:

• I really want to be close, but I don't know for sure if I can depend on this person
• I wonder if they really like me, or if this will work out?
• If I don't hear back right away, or they aren't consistent, I feel maybe I made them mad or they don't like me
• I spend a lot of time wondering about my relationships and where I stand
• I blame myself when things don't work out with someone, or if they seem to be pushing me away
• I'm worried I might seem clingy, so I try to not be
• Sometimes the closer I get to someone, the more alone time I need 
• I try to not want closeness but it builds up and then sometimes I explode and can almost beg people to be closer to me and feel desperate, though I hate that about myself
• I feel like I'm the real problem, but my partner is amazing -- I worry if I'll be wanted 
• I worry about my relationships, I'm pretty open about my feelings, and sometimes I'm impulsive
• I wish someone would give me more reassurance, but I tend to attract people who push me away and reject me, making me feel even worse about myself. (Note: Anxious and Avoidants often pair up, since an Anxious will chase an Avoidant, when others have given up on them)

If you're Fearful/Avoidant Attached, you'll see the world like this: 

• I want relationships, but I'm so afraid of being hurt or abandoned that I keep people away
• I long for closeness, but once I'm with them I feel really uncomfortable and want to get away
• I feel somewhat negative about myself, and also about other people 
• I sometimes criticize and push about my partner
• My relationships seem to be off-and-on, and I don't know why
• I feel suspicious when I'm complimented, or I wonder about what my partners real intentions
• I like to put barriers around my time with someone -- I might find excuses to not see others when I'm really free, just out of discomfort from being around them
• I have this feeling that if I get close to someone they'll really hurt or destroy me, or want to take from me, but I can't help but want a relationship also 
• I try to keep relationships more surface level, with less time together, but I also feel dependent on my partner and worry they'll abandon me
• It can be hard for me to end relationships because I feel so attached, but I also don't feel comfortable being closer or spending more time together 
• I often attract people who are similar to me -- they also want to be together, but seem to get nervous and push me away, so it ends up being off and on, or I go for people who are really distant and don't seem interested. (Note: These types often pair up with others of the same type, Avoidants, or Anxious/Preoccupied. Secures avoid them). 

Read the Wiki for more. 

Figuring this out about yourself can really help you remove those blinders and said your boat towards the open safe mouth of the ocean, where you can find your true happiness. Where you can be unconditionally loved all the time, without fearing being hurt. Where you can be close, and not lose yourself. But gain even more knowledge of yourself and independence. Where you can just FEEL GOOD about your life.

It's what I wish for everyone. I'm here to help you on your journey. We all deserve to get there, no matter how long you've done without.